The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win

by Jeff Haden

You can’t “hack” your way to success.

Confidence comes from preparation. Hesitation, anxiety, fear . . . Those feelings don’t come from some deep, dark, irrational place inside you. The anxiety you feel—the lack of confidence you feel—comes from feeling unprepared. Once you realize that you can prepare yourself, that you can develop techniques to do whatever you seek to do well, that whatever you hope to achieve is ultimately a craft that you can learn to do better and better and better, and that any skills you currently lack you can learn, you naturally become more confident as you become more prepared.

your life can spill over into other aspects of your life. When you feel good about yourself in one way—when you achieve some degree of success in one aspect of your life—you tend to feel better about other parts of your life as well. After all, if you can do one thing well, you can do lots of things well.

Even though taking a shortcut may lead to a short-term success, you will often regret ever having taken it.

It also means you’re less likely to someday actually be on the trail, because “when other people take notice of an individual’s identity-related behavioral intention, this gives the individual a premature sense of possessing the aspired-to identity.”* Or in non-researcher-speak: You already got a huge kick out of people thinking of you as a trail hiker . . . so now you’re less motivated to actually be a trail hiker.

Declaring what we want to be and how we will get there causes us to feel we are further along the path of becoming who we want to be—even though we have in reality done nothing but talk.*

Other People Were Not Born with Greater Willpower

Sure, some people may be more self-disciplined than you. But it’s unlikely they were born with some certain special something inside them—instead, they’ve found ways to make decisions that don’t require willpower and determination. They seem to have exceptional willpower, but not because they actually have more. Instead, they’ve learned how to best use what they have.

Successful people are great at delaying gratification. Successful people are great at withstanding temptation. Successful people are great at overcoming fear in order to do what they need to do. (Of course, that doesn’t mean they aren’t scared; that means they’re brave. There’s a huge difference.) Successful people don’t just prioritize; they consistently keep doing what they have decided is most important.

Success → Motivation → More Success → More Motivation → More Success = Becoming Knowing you’ve done what you set out to do, no matter how small—or silly—it may be, taps into the storehouse of motivation you already have inside you. Earned success is the best motivational tool of all. That feeling, that knowledge, is hugely energizing because it’s based not on wishing and hoping and dreaming but on a reality—a reality you created.

You’ll stay motivated when you find a process you trust and commit to working that process for as little as a week. Forget how far you need to go to reach your goal; just commit to following the process for a week.

just know that as you follow the right routine and gain a small—even very small—measure of skill, your motivation grows, your confidence grows, and your happiness grows, and those qualities make it easy to keep following the right routine, to keep improving, to keep gaining skill and confidence and motivation . . . because you will have earned those feelings.

Choices present a huge obstacle to meeting our objectives. They deplete our willpower to pick long-term gratification over short-term gratification.

Choices are a problem, because choices force you to decide what you want to do. What happens when you turn “I want to” into “I have to”? You make it to work on time. Punctuality is nonnegotiable. Getting to work on time is not a goal; it’s a task. So is making dinner; you have no choice.

Going to the gym, on the other hand, is a goal. We may want to work out . . . but we don’t have to work out. You don’t make it to the gym because you can negotiate, if only with yourself, and make other choices.

the main problem with setting a huge goal lies much less with caring and much more in two simple words: “here” and “there.” The distance from here, where you start, to there, where you someday want to be, is too great, especially at the beginning.

Sure, he wanted to become Mr. Olympia. He set that goal . . . and then he forgot that goal and focused on reps, and reps, and more reps.*

Everyone has goals. The people who actually achieve their goals create routines. They build systems. They consistently take the steps that, in time, will ensure they reach their ultimate goal. They don’t wish. They don’t hope. They just do what their plan says, consistently and without fail. They forget the goal and focus solely on the process.

Dream big. Set a huge goal. Commit to your huge goal. Create a process that ensures you can reach your goal. Then forget about your huge goal and work your process instead.

the main purpose of a goal is to establish the right process and routine to achieve that goal.)

Two essential truths: None of us receives enough positive feedback. Each of us is our own worst critic.

(In much the same way that Domino’s isn’t in the pizza business, it’s in the delivery business, comedians aren’t really in the performing business—they’re in the writing business. If Domino’s can’t deliver consistently, its pizzas are irrelevant. If comedians can’t write consistently, their performing is irrelevant.)

So you get a large wall calendar, one that shows the entire year. You hang it in a place you can’t miss it. And every day, once you’ve accomplished your task—remember, your task isn’t to become a great comedian, your task is to write new material—you put a red X over that date. “After a few days,” Seinfeld told Brad Isaac, “you’ll have a chain. Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job is to not break the chain.”* Your only job is to not break the chain.

For now, just pick a process that matches your current fitness level. Don’t worry about which training program is “best,” especially because you have no way of knowing which program is best for you. (In this case, looking for the “best” not only is a time-wasting rabbit hole but also automatically ensures you’ll begin to second-guess the plan you picked the instant your training gets difficult.)

Writing “Go jogging three days this week” on a Post-it doesn’t mean you have a process. What does “go jogging” mean? And which days will you run? How far? How fast? Instead of “go jogging,” here’s what your process should look like: Monday: Run 1.5 miles. Tuesday: Stretch (list the different stretches) for 20 minutes.

A good process tells you precisely what you need to accomplish at every step along the way. That way you know exactly what to do, and you know when you have actually accomplished what you need to do.

Setting a clear and specific target for each day’s effort automatically supports feedback: Either you did what you planned to do (great!) or you didn’t (boo!).

Maybe you’ll stop lifting weights. Maybe you’ll start getting up earlier. Maybe you’ll decide you can no longer keep up with the Kardashians. No matter what, some things—maybe a lot of things—will have to change. (I reworked my entire daily, weekly, and monthly schedules—writing, speaking, consulting, exercise, family time, you name it—in order to write this book. Lots of things had to change. How could they not?) Look at the process you created and determine what changes you need to make to your current daily routine so you can reliably work that process. If you don’t, you will never succeed.

5. Map out your daily plan. This is the easy part. Just take the training plan you found and put it on a calendar. For example, your first week might look like this: Sunday: 30-minute walk Monday: rest

The only thing that matters is that you can check off the box beside each day’s activity.

when you do check off each box, take a second to congratulate yourself. At this point, consistently working the plan is the only performance standard that matters. But just because you set specific goals doesn’t mean you should murder anyone to see them through.

7. Fix your schedule problems. No matter how hard you tried to predict the future, your reworked schedule probably didn’t always work in practice.

Something won’t work, and when that happens, what usually gives first? Your new process. Instead of giving up, fix whatever schedule problems have arisen. There is always a way.

8. Your results may vary, so adapt accordingly. But don’t make changes to your process because you’re tired or lazy or bored—make changes because those changes increase your likelihood of ultimate success.

Always wait until you can evaluate real results before you modify your process. Don’t assume you somehow know better—let the data show you what is better. If you’re paying attention, it will.

what I lay out is a daily checklist. For some people, weekly schedules work best. That way they can adapt and adjust—slightly—as necessary in order to stay on track. For others, a daily checklist works best: They want to know exactly what they will do now, then next, then next. Following a daily checklist is the best way to stay perfectly on track. Which is right for you?

If you’re new to the process of following a process, use a daily checklist. That way, each time you tick off a box you get that immediate rush of feedback from success—and you’ll be excited about ticking off the next box.

Clearly getting rich, in financial terms, is the result of investing in yourself and others, taking risks, doing hundreds of small things right . . . and then doing one or two big things really, really right.

The only way to become financially rich is to start your own business, even if it’s just on the side. Even if it’s just, at first, a slightly stepped-up hobby. Any other approach will not make you rich.

Changing your behavior—especially when doing something different basically means saying no to something you normally do—is really hard.

diet and exercise routine slowly chip away at their own resolve until they wind up doing something they didn’t want to do . . . because they eventually couldn’t say no to themselves. That’s one of the toughest parts of following a process, or creating a new habit, or simply trying something new and difficult: saying “no” to yourself. You want to take a day off and you can’t say no to yourself. You want to have dessert and you can’t say no to yourself. You want to run farther but you feel tired and you give in and don’t say no to yourself.

So what is the best way to say no to yourself? It’s easy: Stop saying “can’t” and start saying “don’t.” It works. Science says so. Researchers conducted a study: One group was given a simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation, “I can’t do (that).” The other group was told to say, “I don’t do (that).” What happened? Participants told to say “I can’t” gave in to the temptation 61 percent of the time. Participants told to say “I don’t” gave in to the temptation 36 percent of the time.

Participants were told to set a personal long-term health and wellness goal. When their initial motivation flagged—as initial motivation inevitably does—one group was told to say, “I can’t miss my workout.” Another group was told to say, “I don’t miss my workouts.” (The control group was not given a temptation-avoidance strategy.) Ten days later the researchers found: Three out of ten control group members stuck to their goal. One out of ten “I can’t” group members stuck to their goal. Eight out of ten “I don’t” group members stuck to their goal. Not only was “I can’t” less effective than “I don’t”; “I can’t” was less effective than using no strategy at all.

“The refusal frame ‘I don’t’ is more persuasive than the refusal frame ‘I can’t’ because the former connotes conviction to a higher degree. . . . Perceived conviction mediates the influence of refusal frame on persuasiveness.”* Or in language the rest of us understand, when we say “I can’t,” we give ourselves a way out. “I could, sure, but this time I’m choosing not to. You know, because I can’t. Wait. Hmm. I probably shouldn’t, but you know, maybe just this one time . . .” Which of the following sound more powerful and affirmational? “I can’t skip my workout today” or “I don’t miss workouts”? “I can’t give you a discount” or “We don’t discount our products”? “I can’t make time for that, so sorry” or “I don’t have a single open slot in my calendar”? “I can’t” sounds tissue-paper thin because it’s a decision based on external reasons or causes. “I don’t” sounds like a brick wall because it comes from deep inside you. It’s part of your identity. It’s who you are. The power of “I don’t” extends to both your mind-set and the impression you make on others.

1. YOU CAN’T MAKE EXCUSES TO YOURSELF. Take “I don’t miss workouts” or “I don’t eat fast food.” When you “can’t,” you automatically start to find excuses, reasons why you can. When you “don’t,” you automatically start to find ways to ensure you do—because that is the person you have become. That is the person you are.

2. YOU COME ACROSS AS MORE CONFIDENT. Take “We don’t offer discounts.” Maybe you really don’t want to offer discounts because your margins will suffer and competing on price is a slippery slope you can’t afford. Instead of saying, weakly and apologetically, “I’m sorry, but we can’t drop our prices any lower,” say firmly and with conviction, “We don’t offer discounts.” And then either remain silent and wait for a response or shift the conversation to what you are willing to do: provide a quicker turnaround or extend payment terms or break a large order down into smaller shipments. Use “I don’t” to ensure that what must be nonnegotiable remains nonnegotiable . . . and then shift to terms you are willing to negotiate.

3. YOU WON’T GET AS MUCH PUSHBACK ON YOUR RESOLUTIONS. Take “I don’t have time right now.”

Instead say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have time in the next few weeks. Give me your card and maybe we can work something out down the road.” Then you can say yes—if you decide to say yes—on your terms.

variety of pursuits. It’s incredibly difficult to perform at an extremely high level in very different—and sometimes conflicting—pursuits.

If you’re the CEO of a company, or an entrepreneur stating a company, you cannot optimize for any one attribute. The minute you do that, you compromise your ability to perform at a high level in another area. . . . The job of running a complex organization or starting a business is all about four or five different things that have nothing in common. So being a good manager, and optimizing the performance of any aspect of your company, is often at odds. . . . Being a good manager means saying to your employees, “You do it. You take responsibility,” even though, by definition, they’re not as good at it as you are. My editor at the New Yorker magazine, David Remnick, is a better writer than 95 percent of the people who work for him. He’s constantly in this position of having to accept articles that are not as good as the ones he would write himself. If he were to be completely honest and say, “I can’t accept this,” he wouldn’t have a magazine.