What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen

by Kate Fagan

Suicide. That word felt heavy and sharp, impossible for Madison to even think about, let alone say out loud. Everything else in her mind felt abstract, so abstract that Maddy felt immobilized by the lack of clarity. Where had all this darkness come from? Her mind had always been a wilderness, but a mostly well-lit one, so she could see her footing. But now shadows had settled over parts, blackness rolling into all the crevices. Peeking around corners felt dangerous. The scariest part was that out of this foggy world would occasionally come one slice of frightening clarity. Thoughts, so purposeful and disciplined, would burst through like a train cutting through a snowstorm, an iron fist on a collision course with its destination. Maddy had, in fact, thought of the power of such a train—a real one. And thought also of how defenseless she would be standing in its path. What would that feel like? Would it be exhilarating? In a single moment, a cold, inhuman force could turn fear into fearlessness. At least, maybe that’s how others would see it, would see her, instead of the soul-crushing panic she actually felt.