Pillow Thoughts

by Courtney Peppernell

I think that if you let me, I’d treat you like the sky. I’d join up all your insecurities, bundle all your flaws into a new constellation, and search for it endlessly. I know you don’t see yourself the way I see you and you still argue when I call you beautiful. But all the things you can’t stand about yourself are all the things I can’t go a day without. I think if you let me, I’d build an observatory just to show you that all the stars in the universe will never shine as brightly as you.

You remind me of home, of all the simple things in life, of light and love and the reasons I am not alone. You remind me of hope, of the sea and the sky, every hug and every kiss from your lips to your thighs. I have flown around the world and met no one like you because you are all the things I keep coming back to.

There are things I cannot control and memories I can never erase, and in the times I don’t feel whole, I will always search for your face. You are every star burning in the sky, you are every golden leaf in the tallest tree, you are a pattern, a snowflake, and every firefly, and I will still love you even when we’re eighty-three. I will stand by you in every new day even when people seem so unkind because you are beautiful despite what they say and you are everything I’ve wanted to find.

People should fall in love more. Fall in love with the way your coffee swirls as soon as you pour the milk in. Fall in love with the look your dog gives you when you wake up. Fall in love with the rare moment when your cat doesn’t ignore you. Fall in love with the person who tells you to have a good day. Fall in love with the waiter who gives you extra chili fries. Fall in love with sweaters in winter and cold lemonade in summer. Fall in love with the moment your head hits the pillow. Fall in love with talking to someone until 4 a.m. Fall in love with the days you can hit the snooze button over and over again. Fall in love when a lover stares at you for five hours. Fall in love with the stars when they look at you. Fall in love with the sound of someone breathing. Fall in love with the bus if it’s on time or the train if it comes early. Fall in love with everything possible.

But the world is exhausted, and the only wealth we have left is love.

I still lose myself in good books and warm tea, those quiet nights and writing your name on my windshield.

When the stars ask you what it is you want, why do you speak of a love that tears you apart? Why do you crave a love that will break your heart? Your soul is never beyond repair, so stay humble and be kind and eventually a love will come along and remind you of why you are alive.

Stop trying to convince yourself of the things you already know. Your head wants another war when your heart needs to let go.

How does loneliness still exist with all these souls in the world?

You’re beautiful without even trying but each time I bring you a flower it ends up dying and you don’t see how I look at you you just keep crying and the saddest part is that you’re so special but you think I’m lying

Of all the tragedies on this earth, there is none more tragic than a person who cannot see their worth.

Sometimes sadness does not have a source. There is no immediate solution, no escape plan from its clutches. Instead, you learn to coincide, as though sadness is an old friend who needs a gentle nudge in the right direction.

The tragedy of what could have been is nearly as crippling as what once was ...

You won’t remember, they say, when someone drifts away. One minute you are talking about life’s greatest adventures and listening to mixtapes on Monday afternoons, and the next their presence is replaced with silence: a fragile nonexistence with nothing else to lose. But I will always remember our drift. It took up all this space, like a planet with many moons. It was the year you forgot my birthday.

I saw an angel once But she had lost her wings I saw an angel once She seemed broken of all things I saw an angel once And asked her why she was sad The angel looked at me and said “Because the world has gone mad”

May your weapon be kindness Your shield compassion May the flowers grow again To sprout love from all this sadness

Wait for me; I am coming home. Wait for me; You are the soul I have always known.

You are a collection of miracles, bound together by sunlight. But you are also much more than that; you are a story, a home, a wolf that howls in the night.

But life is not about half doing. You cannot half love, or half accept, or half live. It’s about giving everything you have. When you are old and worn, do you really want to look back and say you gave the bare minimum? You owe yourself more than that.

You can make all the effort in the world and yet someone will still tell you it’s not good enough. But this isn’t about them; it’s about you. You just need to be enough for you.

It’s okay to close some doors; hell, it’s even ok...

But you cannot grow if you are bitter.

We forget things. Wallets, keys, days of the week. Sometimes we forget important things. Birthdays, anniversaries, meetings. But I will never forget my love for you. It has settled in my mind so deeply I dream of you every night. It has wound so tightly around my heart it beats to the sound of your name. It has nestled forever in my lungs; I breathe you in and out. I forget things, but never you.