Pillow Thoughts

by Courtney Peppernell

I never expected you to get under my skin, but now your name runs through my veins and I can’t help but let every part of you in.

You’re covered in all these broken promises from people who said they would never leave. Sometimes afraid of your own skin and the scars that run deep in your veins. Are you ready Are you ready for someone who could turn you inside out? No one dares to peel back all the layers of your skin All this damage, you’re a mess. Are you ready Are you ready Because I want your damaged skin.

This is me. I am the eye of the storm and my heart is a little broken. But if...

Often I wonder what it may take for someone’s heart to grow cold and I think perhaps the reason is because their heart was left out in the rain. And so on rainy days I struggle because I still don’t know how to convince you that I will be outside in the storm with an umbrella just big enough to cover your heart.

I like to dream about mirrors, That there is a mirror world somewhere A little like ours but different at the same time And you and I are different But we are together. I like to believe whatever world we are in We are in love And together.

I will love you even if we don’t end up together. Even if you walk away from me, I will still love you. I will love you even if you marry someone else and on the coldest days of the year you spend your nights wishing you had married me after all, because no one knows how to ignite the fire in your soul quite the way I do.

It’s the last day of the year and I still lose myself in good books and warm tea, those quiet nights and writing your name on my windshield.

I tried to stop loving you so I built walls around my heart and found other names to whisper in the night. But you carved yourself into my veins whether you meant to or not. And sometimes I wonder if you remember the way we looked at each other or maybe you just forgot.

My heart is not in my body; it’s lying under the castle you burned down. Yet I am still here, an empty shell with bloodshot eyes and a fake smile.

Sometimes I wonder of all the goodbyes you’ve ever said if mine is the one you can’t get out of your head.

in the end we as in you and me were nev...

When did you become so tired of us?

And I count all the days you say I love you and I die on the days you don’t. Thinking maybe you might leave and praying that you won’t.

I never really knew how much the heart breaks until I was lying next to you and you were thinking about someone else

It hurts a little and sometimes a lot when you care about someone but you’re both kind of messy and the timing is all wrong and you don’t feel like kissing someone else but you can’t force what’s not and letting someone in is scary enough but even scarier when your heart isn’t as strong.

I loved what we had too. The only difference was that I saw it as forever and you saw it as just for now.

Her lips tasted like air after rain and these days all I do is think about the way they felt between my thighs.

Where do I go when a lover and a friend becomes a memory and a dead end?

You spend your whole life convincing yourself you are a chapter worth following, and then someone comes along and doesn’t want to read the ending, and suddenly the whole story falls apart.

I know what it feels like for my heart to ache and my soul to cry. I know what it feels like for things to be so hard it takes everything to get by. I know what it feels like when nothing seems steady and for things to derail. I know what it feels like to have person after person cause your heart to fail. But one day I hope you see the love you give yourself heals all parts eventually. Until finally she walks in and sets your heart free and reminds you why everyone else wasn’t meant to be.

I am no more the person that you left than you are the person I miss.

Who made you feel this way? Like your heart’s too heavy And all its soft parts Are gone? Who made you feel Like this toxic thing Like no one Wants you And you don’t belong? Who made you feel Like your scars Aren’t beautiful And your baggage Isn’t worth carrying? Who made you feel Like you don’t Deserve everything And you aren’t Someone worth keeping? Just tell me where It all went wrong So I can make you feel Like you really belong

The stars have died And left their light to you Remember this when You feel weak And worthless And blue

I have never known what this sadness feels like when you cannot feel the sun or the air around you And time they say will heal you but even my own mother doesn’t know what to do. You said you wouldn’t hurt me You promised to keep me safe You knew what the others had done and I fell for the sincerity in your face. Maybe I deserved this for trusting someone who could manipulate so easily. Maybe I deserved this for not listening when mother knows best. But all I was trying to do was show you that even a monster can be loved.

My soul is numb, and I am desperate to feel. In times of distress and sadness, mornings are no longer forgivable, and waking up isn’t ideal.

The tragedy of what could have been is nearly as crippling as what once was but can never be again.

It will start with the big things, like their seat next to you at the family dinner table on Sunday evenings or their name next to yours on invitations. And then suddenly all the little things will fade too. You won’t remember the sound of their voice in the morning or how their hand felt in yours. You won’t remember all the tiny details of every date you had or all the conversations you shared late at night. And then one day someone will ask you their favorite color, and you’ll hesitate.

And I promise your heart will go on, as damaged as you think it may seem. I can tell you that you will be okay, the most okay that anyone has seen.

By existing you are planting softness in soil that has turned hard. There is no need to surrender your existence. You are doing just fine by even existing at all.

Some days you are raw and things are falling apart and when you look in the mirror, you see an enemy, someone you hate with all your heart, but this is not how they see you. When they look back at you, they see an entire universe; you are a body of art, you are a map of galaxies, you are every flower, lovely from the start. So when recovery seems far away and no one understands, when life cannot get any worse and you would rather cry all day, know you are wanted and loved. I cannot survive. Yes, you can. You are needed, so please choose to stay alive.

The earth has a heart and you exist somewhere inside, so if you need a reason to stay, take a moment, a deep breath; don’t go breaking the earth’s heart now.

It makes me sad, truly, that you were made to feel as though you were annoying or stupid or that you aren’t beautiful when you talk about the things you love or that you aren’t interesting at 7 p.m. or 5 a.m. Your existence is important. You are important.

The Bricklayer Once I met a bricklayer on a sunny afternoon I had only just surfaced from my deep slumber underneath the moon I asked him why he was building such a wall But he did not respond and I wondered if he’d heard me at all He worked until the sun dipped low to touch the skyline Building his wall higher, I’d never seen such a design “Sir,” I called, but he was behind the wall “Sir,” I called again, but the wall was far too tall And then came a faint sound I barely heard “This is what you wanted, what you preferred!” But I looked at the wall looming above A wall keeping everything out Even love

Be kind to yourself, the way you would be to s...

You weren’t always like this, were you? Once vibrant and full of life, and all it takes is too many lies, a handful of betrayals, and a bucket full of hurt, and now suddenly you are wondering how someone could have been so cruel to damage your garden. So today, cover all those lies in soil, plant daisies, and watch them sprout and breathe life. Take a handful of forgiveness and scatter this around too, and then pour a bucket of happiness for good measure. Now...

Throw down Your Scissors Throw down your scissors; your skin is much too strong Throw down your scissors; even when tears flow all night long Throw down your scissors; there are other ways to let the light in Throw down your scissors; let your faith seep deep into your skin Throw down your scissors; you are loved in every way Throw down your scissors; stay here with us and fight another day

I am sure they will make the road to recovery seem clean. They’ll use words to make healing seem pretty and pretend the bandages don’t feel heavy and still cause pain. Your sadness is never going to be neat and tidy, and on some days you might even wonder how you’re possibly going to pick up every shattered piece on the floor when burying your soul seems much easier. There will be moments where you have to convince yourself that feeling is better than being numb and that your aching bones are strong enough to carry on. There will be times things feel upside down and you are spinning on an axis that is never balanced. There will be days where you take steps backward and those new steps forward feel very far away. But even in the difficulty you are still taking steps; you are still making progress. And for every bump along the way, just remember you have come this far; might as well keep going.

You will always be somebody to someone else. You will always need other people. And coffee, you will...

Of course there will be moments when you feel as though you are completely out of options. But there will be one option to a...

You’ll end up surprising yourself, you know. Like how strong you are and how much your heart can grow. One minute you’re in pieces and broken on the floor and the next you’re putting on your shoes and heading out the door. Remember all those that smiled at you and who told you to have a good day. They are the little gifts sent to you reminding you to stay.