Pillow Thoughts

by Courtney Peppernell

But what else am I supposed to do when your hair is soft and your eyes are blue? And my heart turns over at the sound of your name only you smile at me the way friends usually do. I am more of a mess than a rainy day because you have no idea I feel this way.

We don’t speak with words. We speak with a gentle brushing of shoulders, a look across the room, a door opened, a smile as we pass each other, a racing heart as I see you coming up the driveway. There is power in silence, and while we don’t say a word, we both know we only want each other.

If you are in love and the love is returned, be grateful. Because if you take love for granted, it will be overturned.

I will love you even if we don’t end up together. Even if you walk away from me, I will still love you. I will love you even if you marry someone else and on the coldest days of the year you spend your nights wishing you had married me after all, because no one knows how to ignite the fire in your soul quite the way I do.

It will catch you off guard one day. You’ll be so surprised by it you may even lose your concentration. One moment you are living idly by and the next they are on your mind nearly every moment. You’ll lose sleep over the next time you’ll hear their voice. You might even find yourself daydreaming about a future together. One day you are ordering coffee every morning and the next you can’t even order coffee without thinking about ordering theirs too.

I still feel the aches you left behind, even after all the time you have been gone. This heart of mine has been broken before, but this emptiness has never left me quite as sore.

Where do I go when a lover and a friend becomes a memory and a dead end?

You spend your whole life convincing yourself you are a chapter worth following, and then someone comes along and doesn’t want to read the ending, and suddenly the whole story falls apart. That’s what happens when your heart breaks you tell yourself no one will ever be allowed inside again but then someone comes along with light in their eyes and suddenly your heart goes to war with your head

My therapist asked, “How do you prepare for the day?” And I replied, “I count my lies, find my mask, and pretend it isn’t easier to fly away.”

In the moments you feel alone and every mountain is too great for all the answers left unknown and convinced it is always too late. There is happiness in this lifetime one day these troubles will fade all your strength is in the skyline no matter how heavy your heart weighs. And some days it seems hope and despair take turns but despite all our sadness the sun always returns.

You It’s still here It never really left And one day you will realize That the only person Who can find it again Is you There are little pieces of happiness and they are scattered through your day. So take a basket with you as you step outside, fill it up with all the little pieces, and bring it back inside. Take a moment, just by yourself, take out all of the pieces, and place them on your shelf.

Is that why you play the music so loud? A beat to drown out the thoughts, sound so high you cannot think, lyrics so close to home you don’t even blink.

Even sadness needs someone in its corner.

Anxiety is a devastating thing. No matter how many times you are told to “breathe,” it feels as though the air has all but thinned, and despite every logical reason to remain calm, you feel like a ship without its sails in the middle of a raging storm.

You were always miles away. Maybe you were just always meant to be miles away. The distance saw us together in a dream and thought we were better off without all the mess.

There is so much noise The city never sleeps And I long for just one day everything is so quiet You and I could hear the clouds move

think about people sometimes Like how they have their coffee And if they like butter on their toast I think about whether they’re Afraid of the same things I am And whether they’re chasing Dreams every day I think about the scars they Have on their bodies And the light that shines in their eyes I think about whether they Wear socks to bed Or whether they have Special-occasion clothes Hanging in their closets So if you’re ever wondering If someone thinks about you From time to time Then maybe this is your answer I think about you a lot I wonder if anyone is thinking about me too

and I know you’re a little insecure and you think just a little too much but for all the times you think you’re not what someone needs I’m thinking that you are

You are a collection of miracles, bound together by sunlight. But you are also much more than that; you are a story, a home, a wolf that howls in the night.

But you cannot grow if you are bitter.

Time has no agenda. You can meet someone and love them right away or grow your love over many years. You could have known someone for eternity and they still could not understand your core existence, yet the stranger at the bus stop knows exactly who you are. Time doesn’t mean a thing.

If you are in love and withering, then this is not love, because when in love, a rose should bloom.

We are all born with softness, and it’s important to grow into it. Do not let the world turn your heart cold.

That’s the thing about people who are soft. Everyone else thinks they can walk all over them as though they won’t notice. But we do; we notice everything.

This is my life and I will fall for you every day because you are my love and I see you in everything.

My heart has never been very sensible. I’ve been lost in cities and torn apart. I’ve been distracted, burning bright with reckless reactions. But please believe me when I say you are the best decision I have ever made.