in the absence of the sun

by Emily Curtis

You didn’t listen to me when I tried to explain that I have scars so long, so deep, you may never find the ends of them

Some people were just designed to be destructive

When we were younger we fought with our fists but now we have discovered deadlier weapons -words

Hearts don’t shatter they rot

She’s a forest fire, but she practices self-control She taught herself to put it out because some people can’t handle incandescence

What happens under the blankets can either be pure magic or pure barbarity and when the latter is reported it is time and time again mistaken for the former -rape culture

You scraped the smiles off my face to stich over your permanent scowl, stole my breath so that you could stop holding yours, snatched my eyes to pretend that you were awake, tore off my feet because yours were tired of standing, borrowed my brain so that you could stop hearing the voices that questioned the existence of your own, dug through my skin and cracked my ribs, found my heart and replaced yours in order to finally feel what others felt

If he does not respect you now, he never will It’s impossible to teach a whale to walk

Lies flow from your lips thick like molasses so sweet that I forget to think twice before blindly believing the words you feed me

People tend to ignore her like a crying baby in church -Truth

Little toy girls playing pretend, holding back tears so the powder on their faces won’t wash away and reveal the truth beneath it

She told me she would barter her body for a prom date and I think that is the saddest thing I have ever heard

Things that make me unlovable: 1. the way I twirl my hair out of habit 2. never crying, even when I should 3. getting emotionally attached to books 4. how I use my writing for revenge 5. my quiet competitiveness 6. the way I point out my flaws like I’m trying to convince you of them 7. my constant need to please people 8. my fear of being judged 9. the fact that I made a list of things that makes me unlovable when really the list should only have one number: 10. zero

They compete over who can become the best version of generic

I tried my best, but fixing a human isn’t the same as fixing a bike, or a car

It is a monstrous noise -silence

Irony: friends sitting together with screens shoved between their faces complaining about the weak connection

She was told so many times “She can’t” that now She won’t

I’m so run down you can’t even tell what I was before -road-kill

I figured if I held my breath long enough and sucked my stomach up under my ribs far enough and powdered my face pale enough and gave myself enough razor burns and plucked the hairs between my eyebrows until my eyes watered and painted my nails girly enough and squeezed my jeans on tight enough and demolished my natural beauty enough I’d be pretty enough

You fear the damage they could do if you let them know your secrets -why you push them away

I live among the hardcovers stacked in piles higher than Everest because it is easier to feel through fictional characters the loss the love the heartbreak the tragedy it all comes at once and then it is gone with the close of the cover -from the comfort of my bedroom

One word is all it takes to erase the word “Stranger” -hello

There will always be a loose screw or an uneven floorboard -there is no such thing as a perfect life

You are allowed encouraged to be different

You tear me down like last year’s calendar on New Year’s Day my resolution is to stop letting you

You act like I need you to survive but I don’t I have plenty of oxygen, thanks

And right after your ABC’s you learn that God created everyone equal, pink is not just a girl’s color, and boys are allowed to cry -how it should be

We are splatter paint on a blank canvas s-c-a-t-t-e-r-e-d spoNtaNeOus unapologetically messy

You’re my prince charming but I’m not your princess I dream of you in my sleep but you’ve already fought a dragon for her

Thank you for being my armor even on the days when my battle cry was “it’s impossible”

And then I see the fallen ones and it makes me wonder if they were knocked down or if they didn’t have the strength to stay rooted to the ground -I understand now that some roots are just too weak

Reality smokes about a thousand packs of them a day, never pausing to consider what opportunities he would have if he quit, what the world would become if he wasn’t addicted to lighting them up only to inhale one puff and then stub them out, reaching for another to waste because each new one is more fresh than the last -our dreams