It Only Happens in the Movies

by Holly Bourne

“Let me guess? He prodded at you like he was a farmer shoving his arm up the backside of a cow to pull out a baby calf, and you’re wondering why you didn’t come?” I turned to her, my mouth open. “You could say that.” I wasn’t sure if I could handle saying any more. But this was Alice. Alice. And she seemed to understand. And I’d been carrying it with me for so long. Maybe I should let it out. “He couldn’t really get high up. It hurt too much.” I chewed my lip. “I’m not sure what happened but it was like my vagina sort of…sort of…rejected him…” Alice smiled, ever so slightly. “So, when he tried with his…you know.” I nodded, astonished at how she got it. “You know that bit in the first Lord of the Rings film? Where Gandalf stands up to that fire demon on the bridge and yells, ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’? Well…” I paused, feeling so ashamed. “Essentially my vagina had a Gandalf standing at the entrance, and he thought Milo’s dick was a fire demon.” Alice snorted so hard, the hot chocolate she’d been drinking shot out her nose, dribbling over her perfectly made-up face. “Oh God! Audrey!” I couldn’t laugh with her, it still felt so wrong. “You see why I’m upset now? It was bad enough as it was, and then Milo dumps me because of it. And then, for some reason I don’t even understand, I try to kiss Harry and can’t even do that. I’m sexually defunct. I should just have sex with myself, like potatoes do.”