For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards

by Jen Hatmaker

Folks who thrive in God’s grace give grace easily, but the self-critical person becomes others-critical. We “love” people the way we “love” ourselves, and if we are not good enough, then no one is.

This is why we live and breathe: for the love of Jesus, for the love of our own souls, for the love of our families and people, for the love of our neighbors and this world. This is all that will last.

We measure our performance against an invented standard and come up wanting, and it is destroying our joy.

We need to quit trying to be awesome and instead be wise. Decide which parts are draining you dry. What do you dread? What are you including for all the wrong reasons? Which parts are for approval? Is there anything you could delegate or hand off? Could you sacrifice a Good for a Best? Throw out every should or should not and make ruthless cuts. Go ahead. Your beam is too crowded. I know it.

But they don’t observe the scope of your life and all the other tricks on your beam.

Wise women know what to hold onto and what to release, and how to walk confidently in their choices—no regrets, no apologies, no guilt.

Our generation is so hamstrung with striving and guilt, we no longer recognize God’s good and perfect gifts staring us in the face. What a tragedy. What a loss. We will never get these lovely years back.

You are expected to help with algebra and chemistry and the remembering of all the things, but your brain resembles the bottom of your purse: lost pen caps and congealed, undefined filth.

I once thought that if I made minor adjustments and took a jog, those tight jeans would fit by Tuesday. Your body is over this by forty. It just wants to be fat and happy.

you can eat four hundred calories a day for six weeks and your body will release three pounds. The next day you eat half a tortilla and gain seventeen. It isn’t interested in your diet or those jeans. Your body wants yoga pants and your husband’s stretched-out T-shirts, and it will have them.

It’s not that you become unteachable or unleadable or uncorrectable; differing opinions just stop shaking every decision, and critical words won’t send you to bed. You develop chops, sister. You’re going to love it.

it isn’t also true for a poor single Christian mom in Haiti, it isn’t true.

Theology is either true everywhere or it isn’t true anywhere. This helps untangle us from the American God Narrative and sets God free to be God instead of the My-God-in-a-Pocket I carried for so long. It lends restraint when declaring what God does or does not think, because sometimes my portrayal of God’s ways sounds suspiciously like the American Dream and I had better check myself. Because of the Haitian single mom. Maybe I should speak less for God.

A worthy life involves loving as loved folks do, sharing the ridiculous mercy God spoiled us with first. (It really is ridiculous.) It means restoring people, in ordinary conversations and regular encounters. A worthy life means showing up when showing up is the only thing to do.

Calling is virtually never big or famous work; that is rarely the way the kingdom comes. It shows up quietly, subversively, almost invisibly. Half the time, it is unplanned—just the stuff of life in which a precious human steps in, the good news personified.

I do not plan on remedying this because I am forty and prefer containment to visual appeal. If you are behind me at the gym (okay fine, behind me at the post office), I am sincerely sorry for the optical assault. I can’t give up my underwear or my stretchy pants, so we are at an impasse. Go with God.

don’t like when people minimize their gifts. There is a difference between humility and insecurity, and self-effacement does no one any favors. We teach our watching children to doubt and excuse and diminish themselves.

God made you to do this thing like a boss. The timing is never right. Forget that. It rarely just falls into your lap. You are probably not guaranteed success. This might be a risk. It will require sacrifices from you and maybe your people, and you might step out on shaky, shaky legs. But off you go because we were not created to stand still, even though that is safe and familiar and you are guaranteed never to fall or stumble or grow weary. We were made to run.

We would rather you admitted, “Eva Mendez doesn’t actually use our lip gloss, but we’ve included a picture of her in our advertisement because she thinks fondly of you while her lips are being injected with the blood pigment of fairy babies.”

Messages that tell us we aren’t pretty enough, young enough, thin enough, or desirable enough are garbage. Anyone who implies we are unable to care for our own families is lying.

I’m not prone to exaggeration (I am exactly prone to exaggeration), but before that flight landed, it had become my new mantra for life: Just tell the truth. Whatever question comes, just tell the truth. If you don’t know the answer, admit you struggle. If you disagree with the conversation, don’t sit there acting otherwise. Stop trying to self-preserve; that is a fool’s errand.

WOW! That’s so me.

“Don’t try to win over the haters; you’re not the jackass whisperer.”

We are not good gods over one another; we are better humans beside each other.

On the first day of school, the kids were photographed at home and with teachers because humiliation is an important part of childhood.

Maybe we are entirely too precious, raising tiny narcissists who cannot function without their feet sprayed and chakras rearranged. Everything is so earnest that sometimes I think I will just die.

PREACH!!!

We should not cushion every blow. This is life. Learning to deal with struggle and to develop responsibility is crucial. A good parent prepares the child for the path, not the path for the child. We can still demonstrate gentle and attached parenting without raising children who melt on a warm day.

Do we shield our children from harm? Of course. Do we intervene against injustice? Naturally. Do we nurture and adore them? Obviously. But we should also let them fail, wobble, persevere, overcome. Let’s not engineer our entire lives around their entertainment and manufactured success. If our kids only expect blessings and exemptions, they will be terrible grown-ups.

We forget that no is an acceptable answer to our kids in a world of the unbridled yes.

All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.

Brandon and I say that together we make one whole person.

Lew and me, too!

When a bunch of people are in on it, and one person doesn’t know, and they are forced into an awkward/horrifying/embarrassing/confusing/distressing situation, I start praying for the rapture.

I so do too.

I am a high-functioning introvert, and people constantly disbelieve my diagnosis.

ME TOO!!!

Brokenness may have legitimate origins, but left unchecked, a wound becomes infected and poisons the whole body (and subsequently, everyone around). Wounds must be attended to heal. With

The trick about boundaries is that they must be about you, not the other person. News flash: We can’t control people.

Bad boundary: “Kid, you do not get to lose your mind and scream at me!” Good boundary: “You can be as angry as you want, but you’ll do it in your room. If you break something, you will replace it. We’ll talk when you’ve calmed down.” (End of scene. No pleading or negotiations. You are calm. You are Mother Teresa.)

God designed mankind to learn from a sow-and-reap rhythm. Natural consequences are an incredible teacher.

Offer less, empower more, validate nontraditional ministry, and set a new standard from your pulpit.

Life is convoluted but the kingdom is simple. We overcomplicate the ways of Jesus. Love God, love people. Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly. Treat people as you want to be treated. If you want to be great, be a servant.

There is no whole without the pieces.

One body, different parts.

Faithfulness is not easy, but it is simple. You are already able, already positioned, already valuable in your normal life on your normal street next to your normal neighbors in your normal work. The priesthood of the believer is real.

we allow people to be human and God to be God, the church has a fighting chance.

If folks don’t recognize God is good by watching His people, then we have tragically derailed.

Loved people forgive and encourage, serve and uplift, because they are precious to someone. They live within a ridiculous “others first” paradigm that only secure, beloved people can pull off.

Could the highest level of “right theology” involve loving God and people like Jesus suggested?

Love God , love people.

May we show love in big and small ways, and may that love reach people accustomed to being shamed or ignored. The bright stars shouldn’t get all the attention; let’s search for those whose lights are dimmed, because we are not a tribe of supernovas but of steady, collective light.

May the world see a thankful, committed family who loves their God, adores their Savior, and can’t get enough of one another. This is a story that saves, a story that heals, and the right story to tell.

Ask God: What lies do I believe about myself? What lies do I believe about You? The Holy Spirit is an incredible leader and healer. Don’t shove it down; lay your junk on the table and deal with it. Address the stuff. Forgive, release, acknowledge, confront, feel the feelings, let something go, believe the truth, whatever you need to do. Then dust your hands off and get ready to go.

Let’s lay down our junk, our wonky junk that messes up relationships and community and togetherness. We won’t let our own crazy stop us from affirming each other and banging the drum for our sisters.