For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards

by Jen Hatmaker

Folks who thrive in God’s grace give grace easily, but the self-critical person becomes others-critical. We “love” people the way we “love” ourselves, and if we are not good enough, then no one is.

We can’t deliver folks from their pits, but we can sure get in there with them until God does.

Theology is either true everywhere or it isn’t true anywhere. This helps untangle us from the American God Narrative and sets God free to be God instead of the My-God-in-a-Pocket I carried for so long. It lends restraint when declaring what God does or does not think, because sometimes my portrayal of God’s ways sounds suspiciously like the American Dream and I had better check myself. Because of the Haitian single mom. Maybe I should speak less for God.

Sometimes I’m way more human than folks are comfortable with.

I promise to be gentle with your truth-telling, and you’ve already demonstrated tenderness with mine. And as we witness this beautiful community, we aren’t just observing vulnerability but rather chains breaking, darkness receding, victory rising.

This is my point: You are doing a better job than you think. Self-criticism sometimes improves best practices, but it can also lie to you and probably has. You may need to ignore your mind and watch yourself awhile—not just detecting the sharp moments but the soft ones, for I assure you they are there.

Shame is not God’s tool, so if we are slaves to it, we’re way off the beaten path.

Popularity is a terrible goal, because you have to lose yourself to find it.

Sure, I planned on being a Darling Lamb Wife, but I accidentally got a fiery personality and forgot to be darling.

Young adults are abandoning church, so we can either listen carefully or watch their backs as they go.

The shift to postmodernism began in our childhoods and absolutely defines the next generation. Their mantra is: “I don’t have all the answers and neither do you.”

Postmoderns will not swallow ideology just because someone said it tastes good.

When young adults between ages eighteen and thirty-five were polled nationwide and asked, “What would draw you or keep you at a church?” they listed the following four tenets: 1.) community, 2.) social justice, 3.) depth, and 4.) mentorship.3 A youth group culture geared toward entertainment is not working. Face it: We cannot out-entertain the world. If discipleship programs hinge on amusement, they’ll come now but won’t stay later. Why would they?

By attempting to attract them with cultural relevance, the church accidentally became irrelevant—

When “friend time” consistently feels like a beatdown, it’s time to reevaluate. This isn’t complicated: a friend should behave like a friend, not a critic, cynic, gossip, mother, doubter, or hater. There are enough of those; no need to invite them over and feed them lunch.

You are not responsible for the spiritual health of everyone around you, nor must you weather the recalcitrant behavior of others.

you have no idea how much healing God can manage even if the other person does not change one bit.

No community is an agenda, an outlet, or a lesson, and its people are not photo ops.

Poor people are not dumb, clueless, helpless, or ignorant; they are resourceful and resilient. Any wrong thinking that casts them as folks to pity and fix needs eradicating. We do not start with our trip; we start with the people.

We mustn’t use the sorrow of another to reinforce our joy, even unintentionally. Of course we want to battle entitlement and indulgence, but not at the expense of another soul. There is no dignity in this. It strips people of pride, patronizing them and robbing their leaders of authority. It creates burden and dependence and can be entirely humiliating.

Some churches prefer the illusion, because leaning into a pastor’s humanity is hard and uncomfortable.

If we allow people to be human and God to be God, the church has a fighting chance. If you show up brave and true, and leaders show up brave and true, if you own your place and I own mine, the kingdom will break through in every possible way.

God is unveiling women around the world. He always has and continues to work through women and girls, who are half of His church. They are, like men and boys, His image bearers. They are also, like men and boys, gifted, empowered, smart, and anointed.

You are too vital to lose years to regret or shame or insecurity or fear. We are not slaves to those masters; Jesus saw to that.

I hope our community is marked by grace and affirmation instead of defensiveness and exclusivity.