For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards

by Jen Hatmaker

but the self-critical person becomes others-critical. We “love” people the way we “love” ourselves, and if we are not good enough, then no one is.

This is why we live and breathe: for the love of Jesus, for the love of our own souls, for the love of our families and people, for the love of our neighbors and this world. This is all that will last.

We measure our performance against an invented standard and come up wanting, and it is destroying our joy.

You can say no, and no one will die. In fact, gracious noes challenge the myth of Doing It All. When I see another woman fighting for her balance beam, I am inspired because if she has permission, then I do too. Wise women know what to hold onto and what to release, and how to walk confidently in their choices—no regrets, no apologies, no guilt.

Our generation is so hamstrung with striving and guilt, we no longer recognize God’s good and perfect gifts staring us in the face. What a tragedy. What a loss. We will never get these lovely years back.

If a sermon promises health and wealth to the faithful, it isn’t true, because that theology makes God an absolute monster who only blesses rich westerners and despises Christians in Africa, India, China, South America, Russia, rural Appalachia, inner-city America, and everywhere else a sincere believer remains poor. If it isn’t also true for a poor single Christian mom in Haiti, it isn’t true.

Theology is either true everywhere or it isn’t true anywhere. This helps untangle us from the American God Narrative and sets God free to be God instead of the My-God-in-a-Pocket I carried for so long. It lends restraint when declaring what God does or does not think, because sometimes my portrayal of God’s ways sounds suspiciously like the American Dream and I had better check myself. Because of the Haitian single mom. Maybe I should speak less for God.

Maybe we can exit the self-imposed pressure cooker of “calling” and instead just consider our “gifts.” The former feels like a job description, but the latter is just how God wired us. Certainly we are gifted for specific faith work, but gifts can be ordinary stuff in the middle of real life. Your prayer gift? You can use it on random Thursdays, on the phone with a friend, in the quiet of early morning hours. Your gift of teaching? It may look like a class or career, but it could very well be over lunch, through an e-mail, or in your own home. Your special capacity for encouragement? Sister, that gift is needed everywhere, every day, for every person. This is your calling.

There are no throwaway qualities. In fact, those qualities might point you in just the right direction. Nothing is wasted: not a characteristic, preference, experience, tragedy, quirk, nothing. It is all you and it is all purposed and it can all be used for great and glorious good.

We are not good gods over one another; we are better humans beside each other.

Religion is leaving young adults disinterested at best, hostile at worst. It must be failing to capture their loyalty because these numbers don’t lie. A quick investigation reveals common objections to church: • Its emphasis on morality and voting records over matters like justice and transformation • A me-and-mine stance against you-and-yours • A defensive posture, treating unchurched or dechurched people like adversaries • An opposition to science • Its consumerism • Its group hostility toward the gay community • An arrogance rather than humility

Jesus operates beyond the tidy boundaries of good behavior. Rather than simply enforce His rules, we should show our kids His kingdom. That’s where they’ll discover a Savior to fall in love with. Out where life is messy and relationships are complicated. Where the poor struggle and grace is a lifeline. If we want to raise disciples, we’d better take them to where Jesus is working, because they’ll discover His appeal more quickly in the field than in sanitized church classrooms or on behavior charts. The next generation is screaming, “We can’t find God in church! How does God work in the broken places? Why are Christians so mean and scared and defensive? Where is the ‘good news’ part? Why does the church spend so much money on itself? Why do believers insist on Jesus being in the White House when He spent His time with lepers? If He didn’t redeem the world on the throne, then why would He do it now? Why does so much Christianity smack of power and aggression when Jesus was humble and subversive?”

Finally, let’s give them substance. When young adults between ages eighteen and thirty-five were polled nationwide and asked, “What would draw you or keep you at a church?” they listed the following four tenets: 1.) community, 2.) social justice, 3.) depth, and 4.) mentorship.3 A youth group culture geared toward entertainment is not working. Face it: We cannot out-entertain the world. If discipleship programs hinge on amusement, they’ll come now but won’t stay later. Why would they?

But when we are locked in a toxic relationship or community, spiritual pollution can murder everything tender and Christlike in us; and a watching world doesn’t always witness those private kill shots. Unhealthy relationships can destroy our hope, optimism, gentleness. We can lose our heart and lose our way while pouring endless energy into an abyss that has no bottom. There is a time to put redemption in the hands of God and walk away before destroying your spirit with futile diligence. Sometimes the bravest thing is to stop fighting for something that is never going to produce a winner.

How do we handle difficult, high-maintenance, or unsafe relationships that must remain? A good starting point is grace.

but empathy is a powerful tool toward forgiveness and patience.

How can you best love this person in the fragile

places?

When consequences of poor conduct affect the offender rather than the offended, this is the path to spiritual maturity.