Barbarian's Rescue (Ice Planet Barbarians, #14)

by Ruby Dixon

To say that I fail at small talk is like saying Superman dislikes kryptonite.

Words cost nothing. Why be so stingy with them? It also makes me grumpy that Taushen abandoned us the moment we set off. As soon as he heard Brooke bailed out, he shut down and took off on his own. I realize Brooke is prettier and has bigger boobs than me, but damn. I like to think that I’m friendly enough that I’m not going to make hanging out with me that miserable. Now I’m stuck with Tall, Blue and Silent in a cave that feels like a sauna, full of fruit that I’m picking instead of eating. On an ice planet in the middle of nowhere. With zero conversation. This must be what hell is like.

If you think about it, tomato sauce is just like fruit jelly, but on pasta.”

as I like to call it, Human Popsicle Planet—because

I tend to speak before I think, and that hasn’t changed at all in my twenty-two years of life. I don’t imagine it’ll change anytime soon, either.

I…am not entirely certain of what she warns me of. Of her speaking? I like her voice, even if I do not know what to say to her. That is one reason why I listen so much when I am around her. It encourages her to say more, and I like hearing it. “Thank you,” I tell her.

Even the most foolish of game animals will be chased off by lips that cannot stay together. Suh-mer does not understand this. She talks. And talks. And talks.

I do not wish to interrupt because I want to see where her mind is going.

“You—you won’t leave me behind, will you?” “Never.”

“Oh sure, Summer, no problem there,” I tell myself sarcastically. “Maybe you can stuff it with the unicorn that’s about to trot up, or ask a leprechaun to shove his pot of gold there. Both seem about as likely as you finding a solution.”

“Your face is bright red,” he murmurs. “And your eyebrows are gone.”

She kissed me. Pressed her mouth to mine in the bizarre human custom that I have never understood. Now I understand it. And now I wish I had kissed her back.

“If we survive this night, I am claiming you as my pleasure-mate.” I gasp. “You—you what? You are?” He nods. “You will show me this kiss with tongue, and I will take you to my furs and make you mine. I have decided.”

“Yes. You are my opponent, and I am going to take control of your board.” That’s the sexiest, most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. Now how am I supposed to concentrate?

There’s not a lot of breathing dead people. Though there is a thing where corpses do seem like they’re breathing because of built-up gas in the lungs. I saw that on a documentary once. It turns out—” “Shut up,”

“Um, I thought you wanted me to shut up? I mean, I can talk if you want me to.”

“I’m also pretty good at singing and dancing, which might be a bonus if you’re looking for entertainment slaves. I mean, not that I want to be a slave, but I’m guessing that’s what you’re wanting us for, right? So I might as well list my assets—”

Rukh is silent, too, though it is more because he is groggy. He is covered in bruises, and he was found unconscious. Suh-mer says that he probably attacked everyone when they separated him from Har-loh and his kit, and so they put him to sleep.

At this point, I would have been thrilled to see a crate of weed or something, only because it would mean that it’s one fewer person to get stranded here.

“Just a little mustard,” she murmurs. “No, I didn’t say I wanted a sandwich. Just mustard. That’s right. You can put it on the side of my plate.” Strange, though charming. I find it comforting that even in her sleep, she talks.

Never see another…ah. Her name means a warm season. I have only realized this just now.

I’m pretty sure people like me were meant to live somewhere with a nice library, a cozy chair with a flannel blanket for my lap, and a space heater for my feet.

“At least we know the truth about why your eyebrows are gone. They weren’t burned off, they were licked off.” Elly giggles. “Oh, you be quiet,” I tell Kate, putting my mittened fingers to my brows. “My eyelashes are gone, too, and he didn’t lick those. That would be weird. I burned them off all right. My whole face would have been one big blister except for the fact that Warrek had some really great cream—”

“Pfft. Don’t look at me like that, Summer.” Gail wiggles her eyebrows. “Here’s how I look at things. Losing my son and then being a slave made me realize that we’ve only got one life. I’m gonna live it to the fullest and enjoy myself and not gonna give a shit what others think. If that means I’ve got two men in my bed, if I’m happy and they’re happy, who gives a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks?”

“Uh, about humans?” Her brows furrow, and she tilts her head. “Well, we’re about five feet tall, we have five fingers, and we’re really bad at recycling. We like terrible movies and terrible fast food and equally terrible celebrities.”

I had hoped to make a chessboard with her, to talk more of the game she loves so much.

“Tonight and every night,” I decide firmly. “You are my female, and I will be your hunter. You and I will have a hut together, and we will play chess and hunt and mate in the furs every night.”

“And my horns?” Her little brow furrows. “They’re, um, horny? Big and horny?” I chuckle at the description. “You do not find my horns erotic?” “Should I?”

“But that makes no sense. Your queen needs you to stick your big bishop into her. No, wait, a king. Your dick is definitely a king.” She bites down on her lip. “And now I’m using the terrible chess metaphors. Don’t care. I just need to come.”

Looks nice. I mean, not that the rest of you doesn’t look nice, but I’m just being polite. I’m sure it’s a very nice spur.” Her words creep together, faster and faster. “Not that your dick isn’t nice, too—”

I want you in me, not just the tip.

I had dreams all night about Warrek going to the ship, and a hot band of Playboy Bunnies bounded out, and they all resonated to my man. Grr.

Here you have to prep all your food yourself, and while I’m sure it’s better for you because it’s all organic, sometimes I wish for a Pop-Tart. You know, I visited a Pop-Tart factory once when I was a kid. Well, it wasn’t really a factory as much as—”

“Shema likes everything,” Asha says, smoothing her kit’s hair back from her tiny horns. “Yesterday I caught her gnawing on one of Hemalo’s boots. She had eaten the laces before I stopped her.”

Georgie giggles into her broth. “I’m picturing oh-so-serious Warrek being kidnapped by a small human woman.”

If Warrek wants to think of our relationship as chess, I’m about to put his cute, tight ass into checkmate.

“You have my heart, my mate,” I tell her gently. “But I have no idea what you are talking about.”

But then…I hear it. A low, throbbing hum coming from my breast. Resonance.