James Acaster's Classic Scrapes

by James Acaster

so this would be very interesting, and by interesting I mean scary, uncomfortable and heavily laced with regret.

I had ice skated once before for only five minutes when I was ten and had to stop because I had managed to stab myself in the back with my own ice skate while I was still wearing it.3

As we pulled into my parents’ driveway I remember my dad leaning out of an upstairs window topless, shouting, ‘No no no no no’ over and over again, waving his arms to try and shoo the W’s away from the house.

We had a four-hour drive ahead of us so we left at half past ten in the evening and by two a.m. I was asleep and if you’re good at maths you’ll know that that’s not good. This is the story of the second car crash.

I was still approaching jam sessions with caution since 9/11 (if you’ve skipped ahead to this chapter then that sentence will seem a lot more intense than intended)

(some people would say that I am still doing stand-up comedy unprofessionally but those people are haters)

In a way it’s rather fitting that someone from the TV series Lost should suddenly find themselves with so many questions but zero answers. Now they know how we felt.

At this point in the story, I’d like to point out that every time I went to play badminton there was a child at the leisure centre who would bully me.

This is the only time I have ever had to call the emergency services, which is a surprise considering some of the events that take place in this book.

It wasn’t ideal – these people had just seen me die quite the death. On the plus side, Christians love a good resurrection.

Although I sincerely hope there is no second book; I just want to have a nice life. Please, God.