Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age

by Ben Stuart

This is a great way to spend your singleness: keep learning.

When you are really leveraging your life for something that matters, you will face resistance. Eleven of the twelve disciples faced violent deaths. If no one ever resists you, it may be because you are not a voice of positive change in your culture. To change the world, we must speak the truth. To speak the truth will invite criticism. Don’t be discouraged. That resistance may be a sign that you are on the right track.

Notice Paul did not minimize the wrongs done to him. He acknowledged that they were hurtful actions. Rather, Paul maximized his view of God in the moment.

Not only did he draw comfort from this, but it filled him with sufficient courage to proclaim the gospel, even in the midst of his trial.

“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.”

I do not control my circumstances, but I am held by the One who can cradle the seas in the hollow of his hand. I’m going to be fine. Paul died pointing toward the heavens—to

I control so little of what happens in life, but I am known and loved by the Author of life.

If this is your perspective, then you can have peace. You can trust God with your longings for marriage, knowing he hears you and cares. You can trust him with your career plans, because you know he determines your steps. You can trust him with your inevitable decline in health, because you know that if you are in Christ death is not the end for you.

The world marvels at men and women who can exude a confidence like this. People long for a peace like this that surpasses understanding.

Proverbs 25:24 states, “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (NASB).

The words of Tommy Nelson are true: “The loneliness of being single will not be assuaged by loneliness in a king-sized bed, laying next to someone who cannot communicate with you about the biggest issues in life.”5 Do not settle.

But when we remember that Romans 8:28 declares, “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (NASB),

It is a lack of leadership that is killing the joy in dating. We need clarity. And we need clarity in three important ways.

When we give people clarity, we give them peace.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports that 56 percent of their divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in online pornography. The association’s president commented, “Eight years ago, pornography played almost no role in divorce in this country.”

He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray” (Proverbs 5:20, 22–23).

This is the kind of marriage you want—someone who wants to pursue the Lord with the same intensity that you do.

But I challenge you to adopt Abraham’s perspective: the God who leads us will also provide for us.

This leads me to my next point: trust that the God who saved you can provide a mate for you.

Note the perspective: Abraham is willing to let it go. If seeking marriage and living for God become at odds, he chooses God. Translation: I’d rather be single than marry second-best.

Notice what kind of women: those who are working. That’s important! All throughout the Bible godly women have been those who are willing to work hard. We will see it here in a moment with Rebekah. Moses’ wife was a shepherdess. The Shulammite in Song of Solomon worked in the vineyard. Ruth gleaned in the fields. A woman who is willing to work is a prize. In Proverbs 31 the ideal wife is described as one who “girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong” (v. 17 NASB).

Being gracious is very attractive. Proverbs 11:16 says, “A gracious woman attains honor” (NASB).

Peter 3:3–4 says, “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

Find someone whose character makes you want to fall on your knees and thank God.

Not only can the courtship of a man and a woman be a blessing to each other’s families, but it can be an enormous blessing to the world as well. In Ephesians 5 we learn that God ordained that the marriage of a man and a woman serve as a living picture to the world of Christ’s union with his people.

She is invited to make a decision: Will you take a journey by faith, trusting that the son will take you to be in his father’s house forever?

As we date one another with faith, honesty, and kindness, we can enjoy a healthy process of finding a husband or wife while also displaying to the world the wonderful way Jesus Christ has loved us.

“Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way” (4:15).

Is it wrong to desire someone? NO! God designed attraction and this woman is unashamedly infatuated.

When the Shulammite hears this man’s name, she thinks of his reputation; she sees his character. Images flash into her mind of his kindness. His presence is pleasant. Ladies, what should draw you to a man? His character.

Proverbs 22:1 says, “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold” (NIV). Marry character. Let that be what turns you on.

Then get some quality voices around you. In the Song of Solomon, four voices speak: God, the man, the woman, and the woman’s friends.

Godly love has excitement, but it is excitement stirred by character.

The Hebrew word we translate “love” from here is the word rayahti. Used throughout the Old Testament, the word is variously translated, “neighbor”, “companion,” or “friend.” Yes, he is attracted to her physically, referring to her as a beautiful one. But nine times throughout this short book he chooses to call her “friend.” She refers to him throughout the text as dodi, translated here as “beloved.” It carries a similar idea of someone cherished. What this means is that they are drawn to one another’s character, but they are also knit closer and closer together by their continued kindness and friendship. They simply enjoy being with one another.

How do you know you’re meant to be with someone? There is an ease to it, you want to be together, and communication does not feel like an obligation. The other person is your friend.

it is also about being improved by his or her company.

How do you know your relationship is headed toward marriage? Not only is there a growing emotional excitement, but your time together promotes growth in one another’s lives.

With some couples you see their continued communication bring out the best in one another. The other person challenges them to engage God in new ways. Both parties want to be the best version of themselves whenever they are around the other. They are both challenged to grow spiritually. They spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

“The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.” Sometimes you just need to be honest enough with yourself to say that you are not ready to be in a serious relationship.

You want your relationship to be synergistic. The combination of your lives produces life by uplifting the spirits of those around you.

The word weaker would be better translated delicate. It is not an insult.

there is a delicacy to the hearts of women. Men, be gentle. Ladies, be discerning.

This is why the young woman, as much as she desires this man, declares, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (2:7). Your passion is good. Just make sure it is well placed.

What would we do when I move cities? I decided that was a legitimate concern, but it was not a significant enough of an issue to warrant terminating the exploration of discerning whether we were built to be together.

Difficulties were not a signal that our lives were going different directions; they were an invitation to exert more energy to work toward connection. They were obstacles that were made to be overcome. They were tests that proved to ourselves and to one another that we truly wanted to be together.

We had to continually submit our desires, plans, ambitions, and questions to the Lord.

Freedom is not the absence of boundaries, it is the ability to fulfill created intent. A fish is most free when it swims. A bird is most free when it flies. For all of life, the highest potential will be achieved, and the greatest satisfaction experienced, if we live in accordance with our Creator’s intended design.

In this instance, the wife submits herself. It’s a decision a woman makes. This is a verse for the woman. She chooses to submit.3

Ladies, you want a man who feels a sense of responsibility under God to care for his family. And when you see him doing his best to guide you and your kids in a good way, you want to let him know every way you can you affirm that!

Ladies, be discerning in dating. Don’t settle for a selfish man and hope he will change. Get the right guy. Good leadership is a gift, not a burden.