Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age

by Ben Stuart

No human being will meet every need, solve every problem, heal every wound, or eradicate every insecurity. Those who put pressure on a friendship or a romantic relationship to provide that will always end up crushing the relationship. A relationship is not meant to carry that weight. But you can find someone who has great character and with whom you have great chemistry. Then you can run into the future God has for you together, and that is a pretty amazing ride. That is the vision we are aiming for in marriage: a couple hand in hand, pursuing God together—same direction, same pace, good chemistry. This is what marriage is meant to be. Dating is the modern process of evaluation we use to find that person to marry.

You can begin to see someone as a product to be used by you instead of a person to be loved by you. Here is the most sinister part. It not only dehumanizes them, but ultimately it dehumanizes you. Rather than love people, you want to use people. You were made for more than that. When we know God, we are meant to be a conduit of his grace to others. We leverage our lives to build other people up for the glory of God. We do not leverage other people’s lives to further ourselves. That is no subtle difference.

In reference to a consumer mentality in dating

A. W. Tozer wrote in his seminal work The Knowledge of the Holy, that the most important thing about a person is what he or she thinks about God.4 I used to wonder what exactly that meant. Now I understand that who you think runs the universe will inform your values. Your values will shape your goals. Your goals will determine where you go in life.

Don’t settle for the fact that you both assent to the existence of a supreme being. Link up with someone with whom you share a deep commitment to God the Father, who sent God the Son to be the substitutionary atonement of our sins and to give us God the Holy Spirit as a deposit, working in us righteousness as we love one another and journey toward the day when faith will become sight and we will rejoice in perfect unity with the Trinity. You want that! Don’t bind yourself together with someone who cannot converse with you about the deepest issues in life.

In your heart set apart Christ as Lord and do not even consider linking your life up with someone unless he or she has an identical commitment.

Anybody can bluff their way through a one-hour interview. You may need to watch for a while and see them around other people they are not trying to woo. How do they treat the young, the old, or the unpopular?

Some people will obviously be trouble and you will know it in the first five minutes. Others, you need to observe for a while to see what kind of character rises to the surface. In due time, their deeds, whether good or bad, will come to light. What you want to see is someone who is striving to do beautiful things for beautiful reasons.

An internal drive toward love and holiness. You want that in a mate. Why? Because that mate will continue to look more like Jesus and manifest his qualities throughout life—whether you deserve to be treated well or not, whether you provide incentive or not. Because there will be times when you are being a selfish jerk, or your anxiety or fear in life will manifest in a moment of panic or embarrassing selfishness. You want someone who will love you through the chaos because they love Jesus.

Human relationships are much too dynamic. Dating is more like sailing across the ocean than it is like assembling a desk from IKEA. Steps won’t work when you are crossing the ocean on a boat. You cannot get turn-by-turn directions. The environment is too dynamic.

Agree! It’s important to note that there’s not a one-size-fits-all approach or one single way to navigate every situation

In essence, we attempt to make “dating” a status we rest in rather than a process we move through. When you create this separate category, the question immediately rises, “What are the rules?” As we try to enter the sphere of dating someone, we tend to bump into the “rules” as the other person understands them. You can usually spot them in statements that include the phrase “supposed to.”

Then one person gets defensive and hurt. The other feels the need to apologize, but isn’t entirely sure what line they crossed. What is going on here? We are bumping into a new set of responsibilities because of moving into the culturally created sphere of boyfriend and girlfriend. Each person is establishing a law—an official code of conduct for the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

So many of the questions I receive about dating fail to make any sense if you come to understand dating as a process of evaluation.

The goal of dating is not to make someone conform to a standard you have imposed. It is to assess what kind of person he or she is and discern whether or not the two of you are a fit.

Dating is not a way of maximizing benefits and minimizing obligations. It is not romantic to waste each other’s time. Date to evaluate, and evaluate as quickly as you can but as long as it takes.

But I would affirm that our identity determines our activity. Who we are informs what we do. So who are you when you are on a date? If you are a believer in Jesus, then you are a reconciled, adopted child of God. You are a son or daughter of the King of heaven. And while you are on a date, so is the person sitting across from you. So how do you deal with a child of royalty? That’s simple: with courtesy. The word courtesy means to behave with manners that fit a royal court. In time it came to mean politeness, respect, and kindness.

If you leave a trail of broken hearts and confused people, then you need to evaluate what you’re doing. Your aim should be to bless, not simply to impress. Your actions are more about blessing the other person than impressing him or her.

I did want some key voices providing feedback, however. I asked a few married friends to spend time with us. I selected friends that I knew loved God, loved me, and were not afraid to tell me exactly what they thought. Early on, some of them voiced some concerns. Later, as our relationship matured, it gave me increased confidence when those friends who were initially skeptical grew to be more enthusiastic about our relationship.

Wise!

There should be no rush into “until death do us part.” Take the time to let the relationship grow at its own pace.

You want to make sure you have waited long enough to see how their character handles different challenges and seasons before you grant them the authority of leadership.

Don’t rush to marry a Prince Hans when a Kristoff might be just around the corner. Wait long enough to see character. Watch long enough to see how they react when things do not go their way. See how they treat people who they aren’t trying to date. Give yourself the space to see them in every season.

Even if your family has ideas you do not necessarily agree with, it is still valuable to seek their input. If parents are resistant to a union, and you are patient enough to listen to their feedback, often you will find wisdom in their concerns. Approaching marriage tends to surface issues in a family that can be deeply divisive and hurtful, or unifying and helpful. Though Rebekah’s family is not completely honest (as we discover in later chapters of Genesis), they are won over by patient persistence—enough to issue a beautiful blessing! Involving family in the romantic process, though frustrating at times, can often result in growth and blessing for all if we are patient with the process.

Do you want to work through problems? I am not asking if you are able to work through problems. I bet you possess the ability to grit your teeth and endure all manner of challenges. But you don’t want a marriage like that. I am asking if you want to resolve problems with this person. That is one of the ways that you know you have found the person you want to be with.

So if you jump into marriage with a match-and-lighter-fluid kind of relationship, you will wake up a few years in and ask yourself, Do I even like this person?

Well, as you date, grow closer, and evaluate each other, over time you will see how you both navigate the two great tests of a relationship: temptation and trials. You’ve got to evaluate long enough to see how the relationship survives when drama comes.

The trials and the temptations serve to expose what is in your heart: how badly you want to be a part of this team. It is the same with marriage.

For some of you it will not only take some time to discover that kind of commitment, it will take some distance too. It did for me. As Donna and I dated longer, the prospect of marriage became more and more of a possibility. And as I looked within, I just wasn’t sure how I felt. I know that sounds terrible, but I was conflicted. I had some fear about commitment.

Distance and time are great friends when trying to discern if commitment is present.

That means there will be moments you feel indifferent about the love of your life. That means there will be moments when you feel as though you could do fine without him or her. My question is, how many moments of the day are filled with thoughts like that? If 90 percent of the time you feel confident he or she is the one, then that means 10 percent of the time you will have some doubt.

You can be crazy about a person, but if the two of you cannot communicate when life gets hard, you are not going to make it.

When you disagree with someone, you need to focus on his or her actions and your feelings. Do not try to guess the other person’s motives.

But by attacking her motive, you put her on the defensive and you significantly complicate any efforts to reach mutual understanding and deeper unity.

When speaking about healthy community to the Ephesians, Paul exhorted them, “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way” (4:15). This is healthy communication. From a place of love, I speak the truth. What are the true things you can know? All you can know are their actions and your feelings. Anything else is conjecture and assumption.

“We are only as sick as our secrets.”1 Concealing our transgressions from the one closest to us isn’t a healthy way to start a marriage. You don’t want to have to constantly redact comments to your spouse to make sure you don’t accidentally divulge information about your previous life. That would be an exhausting way to live! You want to be able to have the freedom in your home to know that all the doors of your life are open.

What is it that will give you increased confidence you are ready to transition from dating to engagement? The voices of the wise around you who can agree with you that this relationship is a good thing. When the chorus of the wise sound their approval, you can cross that threshold into marriage with confidence.

But there were also mixed in a few moments where the challenges concerning how to reconcile our seemingly different directions and goals in key areas that threw the whole enterprise into question. Was this right? Do our plans for the future align? In those moments, when our paths seemed to diverge a little, it reminded me afresh that this woman was not mine. Not mine to hold. Not mine to take home. We had to continually submit our desires, plans, ambitions, and questions to the Lord.

If having a leader feels like oppression, let me implore you: pick the right leader! In Ephesians 5, Paul called women to submit “to your own husbands.” In marriage, you are not signing up for submission to all men. You are vowing to respond to one man. This is why it is so important to pick the right man. Ladies, be discerning in dating. Don’t settle for a selfish man and hope he will change. Get the right guy. Good leadership is a gift, not a burden.

It is also vital to choose a man who is worthy of your trust as well because, once you cross over into marriage, your relationship with God is now forever intimately bound up with this man.

God ordained the leadership of the husband. If you receive and affirm your husband’s leadership, you honor God by honoring the institution he made. If you are constantly critical or combative with your husband, you will dishonor the same God who created this institution.

This man has a voice into every area of your life. That is big. Let that weight settle on you. Particularly if you are still in an unmarried season. Let the weight of this cause you to really evaluate whether or not you have the right guy.

Gentlemen, do you want to know how you are supposed to treat your wife? Look at Jesus Christ on the cross. What did he do on that cross? Jesus Christ willingly sacrificed everything, down to the very last drop of his blood, to make her fully alive, as who she is meant to be under God. That is what Jesus did for his church. That is how a man is meant to love his wife. Ladies, I promise you it will be easy to follow a man who takes his cues from a God like that.

Ok also good to remember that the sacrifices that are to be made by a husband are not just for a wife to “get her way” or be happy, it’s to lead her to be “who she is meant to be under God.”

I am not advocating being a servant to all her demands. But I am advocating being a student of all her needs. Study your wife. Continuously ask God, your wife, and yourself, “What does she need to help her be fully who she is meant to be under God?” Then do all you can to supply her with the time and resources to accomplish that end.

Love that this includes ASKING -her and God, as well as yourself

Jesus was watching us and saw what we needed and he provided it richly. That is what a husband does to provide for his wife under God. What helps her come alive? Is it time alone with the Word of God to study? How do I create that space for her? How do I give her time to leave the house? If a dirty house is confusing for her and she cannot focus, clean the house. Are there certain activities that make her come alive under God? Fund those activities.

But when he took his wife on vacation to Phoenix, Arizona, he noticed that the dry, desert air substantially improved her health. So he quit his job and moved to Phoenix Seminary, a little-known school at the time.5 Why? Because that is what a man does. That is how a husband loves his wife. You initiate and sacrifice so she can be fully alive under God. Not to satisfy every whim or to be a prisoner to her every want and desire, but to provide the structure necessary so she can flourish as a woman made in the image of God. This is what Christ did for us, so we as men follow his lead and love our bride in the same way.

Marriage is a mutual commitment to lay down your life for the other person. This is what makes marriage both terrifying and fun. It can be scary to trust. For both men and women, when you marry someone, you surrender so much control in that moment. This other person could devastate you financially, ruin you socially, and cause deep emotional wounds. Your spouse could hold you back and hurt you tremendously. Or, your spouse could be the best thing that ever happened to you. When each person enters the relationship as we have outlined above—with a resolve to serve and trust the other—marriage becomes much less fearful and much more wonderful.

So many young people I know are afraid of marriage because they are afraid of being hurt. But when you find someone who wants to honor God in every way they treat you, that crippling fear can be replaced with confident faith.

We are not meant simply to stare into each other’s eyes. We are meant to link arms and run together after a common mission.

Do you want God to be glorified through Jesus Christ? Then you can use whatever you have been given by God to serve others! That may look like speaking, but it may also look like serving. Both are legitimate and necessary. Aquila and Priscilla were not orators like Paul. But their willingness to offer what they did have—their home and their tent business—made it possible for Paul to establish a church in Corinth. You do not have to be brilliant, excessively talented, or wealthy. But you must be willing.

A couple who understands that their marriage is on mission to elevate the name of Jesus will suddenly find that everything they have can be leveraged for this great goal.

Do you welcome people into your home? Do you welcome new people into your friendship circles? Do you serve in any ministries that help people feel connected? Are you practicing hospitality? It is a virtue, and is a beautiful part of marriage. This couple is going to change the world from their living room. Will you?

You and your spouse may not be partners at work, but you will be partners in ministry in life. We are meant to function as a team.