More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
March 18 - July 15, 2025
That is not because the world is complicated. It’s because you are making the world complicated.
The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are.
Dale Carnegie, who wrote the international bestsellers How to Win Friends and Influence People and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, referred to Adler as ‘a great psychologist who devoted his life to researching humans and their latent abilities’. The influence of Adler’s thinking is clearly present throughout his writings. And in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, much of the content closely resembles Adler’s ideas.
Adlerian psychology is a form of thought that is in line with Greek philosophy, and that is philosophy.
PHILOSOPHER: If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with ‘determinism’. Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences, and are unalterable. Am I wrong? YOUTH: So, you’re saying that the past doesn’t matter? PHILOSOPHER: Yes, that is the standpoint of Adlerian psychology.
PHILOSOPHER: Yet those who take an aetiological stance, including most counsellors and psychiatrists, would argue that what you were suffering from stemmed from such-and-such cause in the past, and would then end up just consoling you by saying, ‘So you see, it’s not your fault.’ The argument concerning so-called traumas is typical of aetiology. YOUTH: Wait a minute! Are you denying the existence of trauma altogether? PHILOSOPHER: Yes, I am. Adamantly.
instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.’
their influences are strong. But the important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those influences.
Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.
PHILOSOPHER: No. Even supposing that your friend actually thinks I can’t fit into society because I was abused by my parents, it’s still because it is his goal to think that way. YOUTH: What sort of goal is that? PHILOSOPHER: The immediate thing would probably be the goal of ‘not going out’. He is creating anxiety and fear as his reasons to stay inside.
PHILOSOPHER: If I stay in my room all the time, without ever going out, my parents will worry. I can get all of my parents’ attention focused on me. They’ll be extremely careful around me, and always handle me with kid gloves. On the other hand, if I take even one step out of the house, I’ll just become part of a faceless mass who no one pays attention to. I’ll be surrounded by people I don’t know, and just end up average, or less than average. And no one will take special care of me any longer … Such stories about reclusive people are not uncommon.
The Freudian aetiology that is typified by the trauma argument is determinism in a different form, and is the road to nihilism. Are you going to accept values like that?
Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, and not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value.
‘The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment.’ You want to be Y or someone else because you are utterly focused on what you were born with. Instead, you’ve got to focus on what you can make of your equipment.
Without question, there is no shortage of behaviour that is evil. But no one, not even the most hardened criminal, becomes involved in crime purely out of a desire to engage in evil acts. Every criminal has an internal justification for getting involved in crime. A dispute over money leads someone to engage in murder, for instance. To the perpetrator, it is something for which there is a justification, and which can be restated as an accomplishment of ‘good’. Of course, this is not good in a moral sense, but good in the sense of being ‘of benefit to oneself’.
There is a similar idea about criminals who do not view their evil behaviour and actions as inherently evil.
Of course, you did not consciously choose ‘this kind of self’. Your first choice was probably unconscious, combined with external factors you have referred to; that is, race, nationality, culture, and home environment. These certainly had a significant influence on that choice. Nevertheless, it is you who chose ‘this kind of self’.
Maybe you haven’t been aware of your lifestyle until now, and maybe you haven’t been aware of the concept of lifestyle either. Of course, no one can choose his or her own birth. Being born in this country, in this era, and with these parents, are things you did not choose. And all these things have a great deal of influence. You’ll probably face disappointment, and start looking at other people and feeling, I wish I’d been born in their circumstances. But you can’t let it end there. The issue is not the past, but here, in the present. And now you’ve learned about lifestyle. But what you do
...more
I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but who never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of ‘I can do it if I try’ open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He
...more
This should define my YouTube journey.
‘No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.’ That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.
PHILOSOPHER: Her story certainly isn’t unusual. Students preparing for their exams think, If I pass, life will be rosy. Company workers think, If I get transferred, everything will go well. But even when those wishes are fulfilled, in many cases nothing about their situations changes at all. YOUTH: Indeed. PHILOSOPHER: When a client shows up requesting a cure from fear of blushing, the counsellor must not cure the symptoms. If they do, recovery is likely to be even more difficult. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking about this kind of thing.
Of course, this is a subjective interpretation. You could even say it’s an arbitrary assumption. However, there is one good thing about subjectivity: it allows you to make your own choice. Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me. YOUTH: The argument that you can choose a new lifestyle? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right.
First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. Adler called this the ‘pursuit of superiority’.
keep moving forward.
One’s never satisfied with one’s present situation—even if it’s just a single step, one wants to make progress.
Use your tendency for perfectionism & ambition to propel one foot ahead of the other, one at a time.
One wants to be happier.
As Adler says, the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth. For instance, if one had a feeling of inferiority with regard to one’s education, and resolved to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I’ll just have to try harder than anyone else, that would be a desirable direction. The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So, one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married. When someone is insisting on the logic of
...more
PHILOSOPHER: The real issue is how one confronts that reality. If what you are thinking is, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, then instead of I can’t succeed, you should think, I don’t want to succeed. YOUTH: I don’t want to succeed? What kind of reasoning is that? PHILOSOPHER: It’s simply that it’s scary to take even one step forward; also, that you don’t want to make realistic efforts. You don’t want to change so much that you’d be willing to sacrifice the pleasures you enjoy now—for instance, the time you spend playing and engaged in hobbies. In other words, you’re not equipped
...more
Those who manifest their inferiority complexes in words or attitudes, who say that ‘A is the situation, so B cannot be done’, are implying that if only it were not for A, I’d be capable and have value.
This is kind of life-changing and pivotal, isn’t it. Does remind me of the bosses that are able to see from this angle.
As Adler points out, no one is capable of putting up with having feelings of inferiority for a long period of time. Feelings of inferiority are something that everyone has, but staying in that condition is too heavy to endure forever. YOUTH: Huh? This is getting pretty confusing. PHILOSOPHER: Okay, let’s go over things one at a time. The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation. So then, the question is— YOUTH: How do you fill in the part that’s missing, right? PHILOSOPHER: Exactly. How to compensate for the
...more
I remember a good example from martial artists I have met. In the martial arts, you start from zero, as with everyone else. Does not matter your education levels at that point of time (which can vary).
Rather than things of your lesser control, you now strive toward things that with every exertion, you improve your mastery. Some prefer to have this kinesthetic value.
By declaring how unfortunate they are and how much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them (their family and friends, for example), and to restrict their speech and behaviour, and control them. The people I was talking about at the very beginning, who shut themselves up in their rooms, frequently indulge in feelings of superiority that use misfortune to their advantage. So much so that Adler himself pointed out, ‘In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.’
A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.
YOUTH: We are not the same, but we are equal? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Everyone is different. Don’t mix up that difference with good and bad, and superior and inferior. Whatever differences we may have, we are all equal. YOUTH: No distinction of rank for people. Idealistically speaking, I suppose so. But aren’t we trying to have an honest discussion about reality, now? Would you really say, for instance, that I, an adult, and a child who is still struggling with his arithmetic, are equal? PHILOSOPHER: In terms of the amount of knowledge and experience, and then the amount of responsibility
...more
YOUTH: Does that mean you dropped out of competition? That you somehow accepted defeat? PHILOSOPHER: No. I withdrew from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing. When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way.
If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune. YOUTH: Why not? PHILOSOPHER: Because at the end of a competition, there are winners and losers.
Give some thought to it then, if it were you, specifically, who had a consciousness of being in competition with the people around you. In your relations with them, you will have no choice but to be conscious of victory or defeat. Mr A got into this famous university, Mr B found work at that big company and Mr C has hooked up with such a nice-looking woman—and you’ll compare yourself to them and think, This is all I’ve got.
This is actually the prevalent culture & mindset now. Prevalent almost everywhere!
Now, what kind of being do you think the other person is to you, at that point? YOUTH: I don’t know—a rival, I guess? PHILOSOPHER: No, not a mere rival. Before you know it, you start to see each and every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy. YOUTH: My enemy? PHILOSOPHER: You start to think that people are always looking down on you and treating you with scorn; that they’re all enemies who must never be underestimated, who lie in wait for any opening and attack at the drop of a hat. In short, that the world is a terrifying place. YOUTH: Enemies who must never be underestimated …
...more
You think of interpersonal relationships as competition; you perceive other people’s happiness as ‘my defeat’, and that is why you can’t celebrate it.
become able to contribute actively to other people’s happiness.
What a happy person you are! But you know, that’s all like a sunflower. It’s the reasoning of a sunflower that is bathed in full sunshine every day, and nurtured with ample watering. A gourd grown in the dim shade doesn’t do so well! PHILOSOPHER: You are returning to aetiology (the attributing of causes) again. YOUTH: Oh yes, I sure am!
This is pivotal.
Those self-defeating types.
Is it only that he wants to discuss politics? No, it isn’t. It’s that he finds you unbearable, and he wants to criticise and provoke you, and make you submit through a power struggle. If you get angry at this point, the moment he has been anticipating will arrive, and the relationship will suddenly turn into a power struggle. No matter what the provocation, you must not get taken in.
When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do.
it is only that they do not know that there are effective communication tools other than anger. That is why people end up saying things like ‘I just snapped’ or ‘he flew into a rage’. We end up relying on anger to communicate.
Effective communication tools other than anger … PHILOSOPHER: We have language. We can communicate through language. Believe in the power of language, and the language of logic.
PHILOSOPHER: One more thing about power struggles. In every instance, no matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticise the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into. YOUTH: Why’s that? PHILOSOPHER: The moment one is convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
it’s always possible to see everyone as one’s enemies.
Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant, or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again. Clearly, there’s something wrong with this situation.
So, you are afflicted by the poison of nihilism, after all. You say that, ultimately, we live thinking about ‘I’? And that that’s okay? What a wretched way of thinking! PHILOSOPHER: It is not nihilism at all. Rather, it’s the opposite. When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.
In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.
YOUTH: So, even if the child hasn’t been studying at all, you’re saying that, since it’s his task, I should just let him be? PHILOSOPHER: One has to pay attention. Adlerian psychology does not recommend the non-interference approach. Non-interference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. But one
...more
Yes, of course. In Adlerian psychology counselling, for instance, we do not think of the client’s changing or not changing as the task of the counsellor. YOUTH: What are you saying here? PHILOSOPHER: As a result of having received counselling, what kind of resolution does the client make? To change his lifestyle, or not. This is the client’s task, and the counsellor cannot intervene.
