Pride and Prejudice

by Jane Austen

Could she have seen half as much love in Mr. Darcy for herself, she would have ordered her wedding clothes.

OH DAMN

Caroline is incapable of wilfully deceiving anyone; and all that I can hope in this case is that she is deceiving herself.”

You sweet summer child.

In as short a time as Mr. Collins’s long speeches would allow, everything was settled between them to the satisfaction of both;

So, like, four hours

The stupidity with which he was favoured by nature must guard his courtship from any charm that could make a woman wish for its continuance;

lmaooooo

Mr. Collins, to be sure, was neither sensible nor agreeable; his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must be imaginary.

Ded

The least agreeable circumstance in the business was the surprise it must occasion to Elizabeth Bennet, whose friendship she valued beyond that of any other person.

She'll be fine.

“You cannot be too much upon your guard. Risk anything rather than her displeasure; and if you find it likely to be raised by your coming to us again, which I should think exceedingly probable, stay quietly at home, and be satisfied that we shall take no offence.”

The passive aggression in this room is UNHINGED

she called at Longbourn rather oftener than usual to say how happy she was, though Mrs. Bennet’s sour looks and ill-natured remarks might have been enough to drive happiness away.

Right time to confine mummy to the nunnery

But as no such delicacy restrained her mother, an hour seldom passed in which she did not talk of Bingley, express her impatience for his arrival, or even require Jane to confess that if he did not come back she would think herself very ill used. It needed all Jane’s steady mildness to bear these attacks with tolerable tranquillity.

JANE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS

Her many attractions were again dwelt on, and Caroline boasted joyfully of their increasing intimacy, and ventured to predict the accomplishment of the wishes which had been unfolded in her former letter.

What a fuckwad.

her brother’s being an inmate of Mr. Darcy’s house,

What have you done, Darcy?

You shall not defend her, though it is Charlotte Lucas. You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence, and insensibility of danger security for happiness.”

Or you could be grateful that he's somebody else's problem.

promised their father another letter of thanks.

It's going straight into the fire.

Jane had been a week in town without either seeing or hearing from Caroline. She accounted for it, however, by supposing that her last letter to her friend from Longbourn had by some accident been lost.

Uh-huh........

They are young in the ways of the world, and not yet open to the mortifying conviction that handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain.”

The only pain was in leaving her father, who would certainly miss her, and who, when it came to the point, so little liked her going, that he told her to write to him, and almost promised to answer her letter.

Strong words indeed.

Sir William Lucas, and his daughter Maria, a good-humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the chaise.

When Mr. Collins could be forgotten, there was really an air of great comfort throughout, and by Charlotte’s evident enjoyment of it, Elizabeth supposed he must be often forgotten.

“And is this all?” cried Elizabeth. “I expected at least that the pigs were got into the garden, and here is nothing but Lady Catherine and her daughter.”

THE PIGS WOULD BE BETTER

“Do not make yourself uneasy, my dear cousin, about your apparel. Lady Catherine is far from requiring that elegance of dress in us which becomes herself and her daughter. I would advise you merely to put on whatever of your clothes is superior to the rest—there is no occasion for anything more. Lady Catherine will not think the worse of you for being simply dressed. She likes to have the distinction of rank preserved.”

This is why she rejected you.

Lady Catherine was a tall, large woman, with strongly-marked features, which might once have been handsome. Her air was not conciliating, nor was her manner of receiving them such as to make her visitors forget their inferior rank.

Right, why is this woman such a big deal again?

Colonel Fitzwilliam,

Oh for heaven's sake how many Fitzwilliams are running around this damn country

Her ladyship received them civilly, but it was plain that their company was by no means so acceptable as when she could get nobody else;

By default! My favorite way to win!

“Of music! Then pray speak aloud. It is of all subjects my delight. I must have my share in the conversation if you are speaking of music. There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

My dear old fish, go and boil your head.

Mr. Darcy looked a little ashamed of his aunt’s ill-breeding, and made no answer.

THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING RICH COMING FROM MR. NOT HANDSOME ENOUGH TO TEMPT ME

“I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

#RelatableContent

Lady Catherine continued her remarks on Elizabeth’s performance, mixing with them many instructions on execution and taste.

What a tiresome audience.

She felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought,

lol. "Mischance." Right.

“It is a circumstance which Darcy could not wish to be generally known, because if it were to get round to the lady’s family, it would be an unpleasant thing.”

And here you are telling the lady's family lmaooooo

“There were some very strong objections against the lady,”

Would those be her mother and sisters?

Mr. Collins could not conceal his apprehension of Lady Catherine’s being rather displeased by her staying at home.

Fuck her she'll be fine

“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

His sense of her inferiority—of its being a degradation—of the family obstacles which had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

Wha?! Darcy?! DARCY. YOU ARROGANT ASS THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO ROAST HER FAMILY

He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite of all his endeavours, he had found impossible to conquer; and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand.

Be still my beating heart.

“I might as well inquire,” replied she, “why with so evident a desire of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character?

GET 'IM LIZ

do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has been the means of ruining, perhaps for ever, the happiness of a most beloved sister?”

Burnnnnnn

Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?—to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?”

This is going well.

“I have been walking in the grove some time in the hope of meeting you. Will you do me the honour of reading that letter?” And then, with a slight bow, turned again into the plantation, and was soon out of sight.

RUN AWAYYYYYY

The situation of your mother’s family, though objectionable, was nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly betrayed by herself,

Okay fair

But amidst your concern for the defects of your nearest relations,

JESUS DARCY LOLOLLLLLL

If I have wounded your sister’s feelings, it was unknowingly done and though the motives which governed me may to you very naturally appear insufficient, I have not yet learnt to condemn them.

GOD I COULD KICK YOU DARCY

What Wickham had said of the living was fresh in her memory, and as she recalled his very words, it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the other;

One of these assholes is definitely lying to you.

the contempt which had thus been self-attracted by the rest of her family;

They are rather appalling.

The two gentlemen left Rosings the next morning, and Mr. Collins having been in waiting near the lodges, to make them his parting obeisance,

Mr. Collins is an ambush predator.

You must send John with the young ladies, Mrs. Collins. I am glad it occurred to me to mention it; for it would really be discreditable to you to let them go alone.”

Odious old bat

Their engagements at Rosings were as frequent during the last week of her stay as they had been at first.

How unfortunate.

On Saturday morning Elizabeth and Mr. Collins met for breakfast a few minutes before the others appeared; and he took the opportunity of paying the parting civilities which he deemed indispensably necessary.

Ugh must he

I do think we behaved very handsomely, for we treated the other three with the nicest cold luncheon in the world,

Uhh they had to pay for you bitches

But of this answer Lydia heard not a word. She seldom listened to anybody for more than half a minute, and never attended to Mary at all.

“Poor Wickham! there is such an expression of goodness in his countenance! such an openness and gentleness in his manner!”

POOR WICKHAM NOTHING HAVE YOU NOT HEARD A WORD THAT WAS JUST SAID