The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life

by Sakyong Mipham

Shambhala—the word means “source of happiness”

Civility is based on putting another person at ease. An opinionated, self-centered, and distracted mind cannot imagine putting another first. As a result, long-established norms of civility, such as respect and tolerance for others’ views, appreciation of the truth, and embarrassment about shameful behavior, are in free fall.

From a meditative point of view, the art of conversation is an engagement in mindfulness and, therefore, being present. Mindfulness is the act of noticing. It is not engaging in like or dislike; it is paying attention to being alive. Mindfulness begins with awareness of feeling.

From a tantric perspective, good conversation is expressing the mandala principle, where everything is interrelated in a total vision of reality. Just as we are connected to the elements—wind, water, earth, fire—we are inextricably linked to other people.

Kindness is empathetic, accepting, and affectionate. It is not as grasping as love or as distant and judgmental as sympathy or charity. It is the emotional sensitivity on which we thrive. When we tap into kindness, we can relax in our being—and then we have the possibility of joining the mundane with the magical. My father called this “joining survival and celebration.”

Windhorse represents the joy of freedom in a mind that knows the dangers of using passion and aggression as ways to succeed.

One mind-training slogan says, “Be friendly to yourself.” By slowing down to self-reflect or meditate, you have the opportunity to learn gentleness toward yourself through exploring what is happening in your mind and body right now. When you see harshness, self-criticism, and lack of respect, apply appreciation, mindfulness, and contentment. These qualities are always available. The self-assured strength that grows from knowing we already have what we need makes us gentle. We are gentle because we are no longer desperate.

The art of conversation is constant mindfulness of war and peace. When someone says something offensive, we recognize immediately that we’re on the razor’s edge of how to handle ourselves. Will I create war or will I create peace? Often it is not about what the other is saying. It is more that he is trying to destabilize us with his words. Can we be strong, not lose our confidence, not fall into the trap of a word game? Can we see what is happening and conquer our own anger? By doing this, we disarm the aggression arising in others.

Praise comes from confidence in our own worthiness, through which we are empowering others. It increases their energy and self-esteem. By encouraging other people to do good and beneficial acts, we are engaging in society, strengthening its moral and ethical fiber.

Hold your dignity. After a critique you might say, “Thank you for that. I see what you mean, and I’ll definitely think about it.” If you feel the critique was inaccurate or unjust, you might say, “Let me think about that. I’m not sure if it’s completely true.” Or “I can see why you brought that up, but I’m not sure I completely agree.” However, when replying, try not to provoke the situation by countercriticizing:

One mind-training slogan says, “Of the two witnesses, hold the principal one.” You’re the only one who knows what’s happening in your mind and intention. In fact, it is ourselves who should be most concerned about how we act, because we are most affected by our actions. When I was going into one of my first meditation retreats, I asked my father for some advice. He said, “How you act when you’re alone affects everything about the rest of your life.”

One mind-training slogan says it simply: “Don’t ponder others.” Gossip is a way of maneuvering, positioning ourselves to be in the most favorable spot. It is feeling proud to be above the weak, and pleased when the great fall. If there is ego and confused emotion, there will be gossip. Unbridled gossip is harming others by exposing their faults and laying the ground for revenge. It reveals our inability to control our negative emotions.

Ending a conversation well plants the seed for a clean new beginning the next time we see someone. It has an important effect on the dialogue itself. It gives conversation a balance: good at the beginning, good in the middle, and good at the end. With such symmetry, beauty, and harmony, the ideas we shared don’t end with the conversation; they continue to percolate. In the same way, ending a conversation poorly has a retroactive effect. Even if many good feelings and ideas were exchanged, the conversation ending poorly somehow stains them. We may forget the good aspects and remember only the poor ending.

Love and compassion, respect and dignity are vital in building a child’s character, and parents are in the very powerful role of being able to support those elements. Especially these days, when many people feel a lack of purpose, it is challenging to understand who you are and how you should relate to others. When parents show their willingness to express compassion and kindness, children can feel their own.

Truly wise individuals are not possessed by haughtiness. They know that even in the most ordinary of activities, there is knowledge to be gained. Many small encounters with ordinary things lead to a greater and greater depth of understanding. Thus throughout history great sages have been depicted having conversations with farmers and children. This demonstrates their compassion and magnanimity but also their intelligence. In every moment, there is something to be learned. Whether the words are simple or complicated, whether the occasion is mundane or extraordinary, knowledge is always available through conversation, the ultimate testament to collective human wisdom. Through conversation, wisdom and knowledge perpetually grow.