The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life

by Sakyong Mipham

Reflection If you’re unable to restrain yourself, and you feel that you need to blurt out something, try to stop and reflect. Is it necessary? Is it kind? Am I simply unable to control myself? In conversation we must practice temperance, the ability to think before we speak.

chronic complaining is an unhealthy verbal habit that can drain us of our dignity and self-respect. It may also establish a pattern of accentuating the negative. It lacks social grace—by harping on negativity, we begin to spread our disquieted thoughts and display our unhappiness with how we are handling our lives.

if we use a conversation as a vehicle for complaint, it will be short-lived. Going negative is demanding and claustrophobic. It takes a lot of energy and it keeps us from participating in the positive. Therefore, we should reflect for a moment before engaging in a negative train of thought followed by an avalanche of complaint, which will quickly derail any conversation.

One method for reducing the habit of complaining is to make a list of everything that is seemingly wrong in your life. From that list, choose one of your routine complaints. Then refrain from indulging in it for a set period of time. This becomes an exercise in letting go. The bravery of letting go leaves some room for a creative solution to arise.

there are ways to tell them without necessarily complaining, such as, “That was a very long day, but I’m glad to be home. You look nice. What smells so good?” Even though you had a long day, you’re willing to engage. Your conversations might be simpler, even reserved, but putting some energy into good relations strengthens the bond. Likewise, if your partner is tired, you can moderate your speech so that it is soothing, not taxing.

There is also patience of speech. If others incite us with negative comments, this patience keeps us from immediate retaliation. Instead, we sift through our vocabulary and choose words appropriately, reciprocating with nonaggressive language: “I’ll have to contemplate what you just said.” Patience of speech also means working with our habitual tendencies, such as excessive flattery or complaint. When you feel you must say something, try listening a bit longer instead. The more patient you are, the less you’ll give in to these patterns.

Pride is often the cause of failure when individuals engage in conversation. Just as stinginess nullifies generosity, pride is the enemy of intelligence. With a mind possessed by pride, we believe there’s nothing to be learned, which puts us above simple human communication.

In every moment, there is something to be learned. Whether the words are simple or complicated, whether the occasion is mundane or extraordinary, knowledge is always available through conversation, the ultimate testament to collective human wisdom. Through conversation, wisdom and knowledge perpetually grow.

Perhaps you’re having trouble handling your own struggle and don’t want to listen to someone else’s. With compassion, you participate by having empathy and trying to put yourself in another’s place.

As the world becomes more mechanized, human qualities have to be encouraged. Because technology in the form of computers and other digital-age devices replaces human beings, we become used to pushing buttons and getting what we want. People are not buttons. Working with people is like a dance that requires the whole of our being.

Reflection Identify patterns in your own being that habitually keep you from being present: getting lost in the past or the future, becoming entangled in extreme emotions, constantly being distracted, always putting yourself first, and so on. Make a list of these patterns. Then, each day decide on one pattern to notice. What happens when you’re more aware?

In its pure form, conversation is two individuals engaging in kindness—giving time, energy, and space to each other in a conversation. It is a sustainable form of affection, love, and appreciation. By lending our ears, exchanging thoughts and pleasantries, a simple level of kindness is taking place. In relationships, we cannot say, “I love you” all day long. But by talking about how another person is doing, having tea, having dinner, or going for a walk, we can sustain the feeling of kindness.