I’M SITTING ON MY FRIEND’S COUCH SEVERAL MONTHS INTO BEING INTENTIONALLY SINGLE AND CELIBATE FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS TWENTY YEARS OLD. I’M TELLING MY FRIEND ABOUT THE PSYCHIC WHO SAID I’M GONNA MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE BY THE END OF JANUARY. IT’S JANUARY TENTH AND I AM SO FAR FROM READY FOR CUPID, THAT NAKED LITTLE SHIT, TO FIRE ANYTHING SHARP MY WAY. SO FAR FROM READY TO BE THE KIND OF INSANE ONLY LOVE MAKES ME. MY FRIEND MUSTERS EVERY BIT OF NEW AGE JARGON SHE CAN FIT ONTO HER TONGUE AND SAYS, “WHAT IF YOU ARE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?” I THINK, “OH MY GOD, I HOPE THAT’S NOT TRUE . . .
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