The Art of Loving

by Erich Fromm

One can only understand the power of the fear to be different, the fear to be only a few steps away from the herd, if one understands the depths of the need not to be separated.

Most people are not even aware of their need to conform.

Without love, humanity could not exist for a day.

On the other hand, a man sitting quiet and contemplating, with no purpose or aim except that of experiencing himself and his oneness with the world, is considered to be “passive,” because he is not “doing” anything. In reality, this attitude of concentrated meditation is the highest activity there is, an activity of the soul, which is possible only under the condition of inner freedom and independence.

love is primarily giving, not receiving.

The hoarder who is anxiously worried about losing something is, psychologically speaking, the poor, impoverished man, regardless of how much he has.

What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him.

Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love.

Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is.

I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.

Infantile love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.” Mature love follows the principle: “I am loved because I love.” Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

an attitude of love toward themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others.

The kind of “division of labor,” as William James calls it, by which one loves one’s family but is without feeling for the “stranger,” is a sign of a basic inability to love.

If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all.

Selfishness and self-love, far from being identical, are actually opposites. The selfish person does not love himself too much but too little; in fact he hates himself.

It is true that selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.

The fact, however, is that modern man has exceedingly little self-discipline outside of the sphere of work. When he does not work, he wants to be lazy, to slouch or, to use a nicer word, to “relax.”

That concentration is a necessary condition for the mastery of an art is hardly necessary to prove. Anyone who ever tried to learn an art knows this.

Modern man thinks he loses something—time—when he does not do things quickly; yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains—except kill it.

The most important step in learning concentration is to learn to be alone with oneself without reading, listening to the radio, smoking or drinking.

Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.

To be concentrated means to live fully in the present, in the here and now, and not to think of the next thing to be done,

If one does not know that everything has its time, and wants to force things, then indeed one will never succeed in becoming concentrated—nor in the art of loving.

The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous to one.

If I want to learn the art of loving, I must strive for objectivity in every situation, and become sensitive to the situations where I am not objective.

Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

I shall become incapable of relating myself actively to the loved person if I am lazy, if I am not in a constant state of awareness, alertness, activity.

To be fully awake is the condition for not being bored, or being boring—and indeed, not to be bored or boring is one of the main conditions for loving.

To be active in thought, feeling, with one’s eyes and ears, throughout the day, to avoid inner laziness, be it in the form of being receptive, hoarding, or plain wasting one’s time, is an indispensable condition for the practice of the art of loving.

“I give you as much as you give me,” in material goods as well as in love, is the prevalent ethical maxim in capitalist society.