Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture

by Roxane Gay

What is it like to live in a culture where it often seems like it is a question of when, not if, a woman will encounter some kind of sexual violence?

Not everyone gets sex when they want it. Not everyone gets love when they want it. This is true for men and women. A relationship is not your reward for being a nice guy, no matter what the movies tell you.

You try to combat your fears by reminding yourself why you wrote the book: because silence was not the cure everyone swore it would be.

I wanted to be loved but not touched. I wanted to want sex, and I settled for the small comfort being close to someone brought me,

Because I wanted him to want to stop without me having to ask, to know without being told, to take crying as a sign, to be a hero and come to my rescue. Because I settled for him to keep going, to show his love for me like this.

Because it seemed, as liberated, educated, nonreligious women, we’re urged to have lots of sex—great sex!, whatever sex!, sex like a straight guy!—but not no-sex.