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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Jenny Taitz
Read between
October 7 - October 8, 2023
imagining that you will end up alone affects your ability to contemplate anything in a rational way, which makes it tough to cope with the tests that will inevitably arise in your life.
just thinking about aloneness summons a reaction from the emotion mind, literally impairing IQ.
In addition to anticipated aloneness leading to distress, the act of dating, an activity that inevitably involves some rejection, taxes us further.
people who felt rejected reported a measurably diminished sense of purpose and self-worth.
Meeting someone promising who then disappears without apparent cause or explanation is the epitome of invalidation. Having your feelings dismissed, or being ignored, leads to difficulties in managing emotions, according to Linehan, the psychologist I mentioned earlier. When it comes to looking for love during a time when technology and new norms might trigger feeling like you don’t matter, it’s important to learn to treat yourself well.
a Newsweek article published in the 1980s warning that an educated single woman over the age of forty was more likely to die in a terrorist attack than marry.
she couldn’t stop wondering how to fix her appearance as she imagined men in her future who would similarly scrutinize her.
After all, for most problems, careful strategizing and planning often leads to the desired outcome. The challenge is, in situations that aren’t entirely within your control—like relationships and dating—endlessly strategizing can be seriously depleting. You may even find that focusing on finding love, rather than loving your life, closes you off from great opportunities, or leads you to settle for something that doesn’t feel right. Yes, it’s a virtue to grow and improve, but it’s important to remember that being single does not mean you’re flawed and in need of fixing. Your relationship, or
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getting what you think you want doesn’t guarantee happiness.
I created a schedule filled with goals linked to higher values that I hoped would bring me fulfillment and contribute to others as well.
I was curious about him, but not attached to an outcome, and I was committed to my life.
Every minute you get stuck in unhelpful thoughts and feelings is time you’re not spending experiencing the moments of your life as they happen right now.
the point of feeling joy is not to attract others, but to live well, because you deserve that.
He who is not contented with what he has would not be contented with what he would like to have.
know the fear and sadness that being single can bring. I also know how disappointing it can feel to stay in less-than-optimal relationships because it seems too scary to risk being alone in case you never meet someone else.
come up with your best estimate of how much you believe that meeting your dream person might increase your joy. Five percent? Fifty percent? One hundred and fifty percent?
The belief that your happiness hinges on an external circumstance that you can’t control (i.e., meeting a romantic partner) not only makes it harder to find love, but it also sets you up for unhappiness. Letting go of the maddening myth that happiness comes from coupling up is the first step to freedom. Stressing out about meeting someone will not help you meet that person any faster. The healthiest way to increase your chances of finding love is to increase your happiness, right now.
colleagues, happiness stems from three factors: our genetics (e.g., that happiness set point), our circumstances, and our activities.
thinking that one person is your life purpose will either drive you to cling to a relationship or make you unhappy if you’re single.
The more I worked on entering the moment without wishing things were different, the less I worried about my future, criticized myself, and replayed various bad dates—and the more comfortable my life felt.
Mindfulness is about fully participating in activities instead of letting past pains or future worries contaminate your moments. Being present in your life is the opposite of waiting for love,
What would I do if I had a partner? How would my life be different? And how can I do some of that now?
Is there some way you can start to add more self-care, now? (We’ll
