How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

by Jenny Taitz

What happens when you worry continuously about ending up alone, the way Rachel does? The answer is that you actually lose your mind—or rather, your ability to think clearly.

As Baumeister puts it: “The prospect of social exclusion reduced people’s capacity for intelligent thought.” In other words, imagining that you will end up alone affects your ability to contemplate anything in a rational way, which makes it tough to cope with the tests that will inevitably arise in your life.

One thing you can do to help yourself when you’re in the middle of one of those I’ll always be alone! cycles is to remind yourself, compassionately, that your thinking is skewed. After all, there’s no way to predict how your life will unfold or whether you’ll meet someone, however sure you feel of your single fate.

The problem is, our emotion mind tends to be very quick to persuade us of its wisdom. As Baumeister discovered, just thinking about aloneness summons a reaction from the emotion mind, literally impairing IQ. And if a quick experimental suggestion persuaded people to anticipate loneliness and sent them down an irrational path, imagine how swayed we are when our own inner voice and life experiences, bad dates, or a string of failed relationships do the convincing. It’s easy to forget that being single right now doesn’t predict the romantic equivalent of solitary confinement for the rest of your life.

At times when we feel intensely, we may find ourselves captured by pseudo-logical thinking known as emotional reasoning. Thoughts like

I’ve been single for the last ten years; therefore, I’ll be alone watching Friends reruns forever, are definitel...

There is no realistic predicting when it comes to finding a partner or how you ...

Many people in good, stable relationships talk about how they once thought that they would never meet anyone and experienced unnecessary hurt as a result. Our emotions are often a helpful guide. But there are also times when our feelings don’t serve us because they’re based on problematic thoughts. The only thing that preparing for possible future pain does is ensure that we’ll be in pa...

Meeting someone promising who then disappears without apparent cause or explanation is the epitome of invalidation. Having your feelings dismissed, or being ignored, leads to difficulties in managing emotions, according to Linehan, the psychologist I mentioned earlier. When it comes to looking for love during a time when technology and new norms might trigger feeling like you don’t matter, it’s important to learn to treat yourself well.

There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. There’s nothing wrong with you. And, there is a way to feel more content in your independent life. The tools in this book will help you get there.

The truth is, many of us struggle to find good guidance when it comes to relationships, especially single women.

The premise seems more like a setback for women than a lifestyle to aspire to.

It’s possible to simplify your experiences without dissecting your personal history or accepting advice from anyone—or any book—that is making you feel worse. After

You may even find that focusing on finding love, rather than loving your life, closes you off from great opportunities, or leads you to settle for something that doesn’t feel right. Yes, it’s a virtue to grow and improve, but it’s important to remember that being single does not mean you’re flawed and in need of fixing. Your relationship, or lack thereof, has little to do with your worth. I want to stop the cycle of loneliness breeding hopelessness. You deserve freedom from suffering, now.

meant I would be able to live my life in a way that fit with my most cherished values.

Afterward, I felt both miserable and relieved. I created a schedule filled with goals linked to higher values that I hoped would bring me fulfillment and contribute to others as well.

But through these ups and downs, I tried my best to recommit to letting go of unhelpful thoughts and feelings, to remind myself that I was trying to live according to my values, and that I needed to focus on what I could give (e.g., openness), not what I could get (e.g., a fourth date with someone amazing).

Most mornings before I went to work, to enhance my sense of discipline, I practiced Mysore, a type of yoga that requires you to memorize a sequence of postures in an hour-long routine guided by breath.

I told myself that what was in my control was being kind, patient, present, and grateful.

I realized that I didn’t deserve to feel ashamed about being single, and stopped acting embarrassed.

Life has joy and purpose, and it’s possible to feel whole and happy, shame-free, without a person by your side.

I wish I hadn’t wasted precious years doubting my future and myself. Studying clinical psychology, especially my science-based specialties, helped me break that cycle and change my life, showing me what participating in living is, regardless of whether I was sharing my time with a romantic partner or enjoying it on my own.

Think about how much time you might be spending predicting anticipated aloneness or processing perceptions of rejection. Now think about this: Every minute you get stuck in unhelpful thoughts and feelings is time you’re not spending experiencing the moments of your life as they happen right now. I know you’ve probably heard about the idea of being present, another way of talking about mindfulness.

When you are mindful, thoughts and emotions still arise,

but you move away from what mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn calls “ful...

Throughout this book, when I use the term “mindfulness,” I’m referring to the practice of learning to pay attention with an attitude of acceptance so you can live with more clarity. That might mean instead of getting hijacked by thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations, you notice them, acknowledge them, and continue to pursue what’s meaningful to you.

deliberate and effective. If you’re trying to meet new people, for instance, and have the thought, There is no point in trying since I’ll end up alone, the mindful thing to do would be to notice the thought, without assuming that it’s true, and continue trying to connect with others. Or if you feel lonely one late night, a mindful way of dealing with that emotion would be to acknowledge it in the moment rather than judging, I’m so pathetic, which will only make you less likely to reach out to friends for support. You’ll find many more examples of how to live mindfully throughout this book since this type of awareness is essential to living well.

Even if you’re not entering unpleasant territory, when your mind moves away from the moment, you’re simply less likely to experience joy. In a Harvard study led by...

I’M ASSUMING THAT you’re reading this book for one of two reasons:

A doctor makes a few predictions.She predicts that the people reading her book are either single or coupled; and that they are convinced they will always stay single or that they are in a relationships and they are afraid of being single once more. Using her years of experience she spent as psychologists she explains how she learned that most of her clients believe that once they meet someone they will finally feel happy. While she definitely empathises she says that woman are especially pressured to couple up; and as compared to mens culture that female culture has no eqauivalent counterpart to the the male confirmed bachelor. In addition to this some time ago older unmarried woman were particularly criticized and called "old maids" which is an idea that is not entirely forgotten. Besides that even our beloved family members can cause us suffering from statements such as "dont worry you'll meet someone" or "she isint all that bad". Besides that she states that she knows that being single can bring fear and sadness. And how some people stay in mediocre relationships just from the fear and risk associated with being single that they might never meet someone else again. The plan of her book is to show how to the people that read it that they can be happy and fuffilled with or without a partner.

therapist

Afterwards she explains to the doctor that during couples couseling the therapist even sided with her husband which consequently made Juliana reflect on her attempts to reconcile her marrige. Afterwards the doctor states that Juliana and George have different needs. She basically says that Where as their individual lives were different their seperate lifestyles clashed and consequently Juliana needsb were not fufilled by George. Then Juliana tells the doctor that George's mood dictated how he acted and that the last time both of them connected was in public and that George was under the influence of alcohol. Next the author states because of the downward spiral of events in George and Juliana's relationship that they make a choice to seperate from each other but because of the difficulties springing from thr relationship they cannot. Because of the recent events in the relationship Juliana felt optismistic about fixing the relationship while George felt pessemistic about its entirety. He commuincates to Juliana that he does not want more task to do.

Thoughts like these are we can rumination and or overthinking.

I’ve mentioned in these pages already: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They’ve been game changers for my patients—and for me. I can’t wait to delve into them with you.

FROM AN EARLY age, most of us are taught to master getting. We try to get happy, get on the team, get good grades, get the cool stuff, get the guy or girl, and get the money.

A Better Way to Measure Your Worth

That’s why I ask my clients, like Chelsea, to start focusing on their values. The first step to feeling empowered in life is to define your values.

In creating a meaningful schedule, it’s important to find balance. Just as you’ll feel nauseatingly self-indulgent if you spend a long vacation tanning and napping, overworking will also deplete you—a middle path is key.

The good news about vulnerabilities is we can notice them so they don’t seize us. We can also schedule positive actions to increase our resilience, as we’ve already covered.

Dimidjian, S., S. D. Hollon, K. S. Dobson, K. B. Schmaling, R. J. Kohlenberg, M. E. Addis, R. Gallop,