Damnable Grace (Hades Hangmen, #5)

by Tillie Cole

That is why I did not want to be brought back to real life.” I shook my head. “Real life is too hard. And I do not know...

“You ain’t to blame,”

“They made you do it. Those fuckers took you as a fucking kid and raped you. Forced you into service and stole your kid. You can’t blame yourself. You were fucking trafficked.”

My body protected in his arms . . . . . . and perhaps my soul too.

She was doing better today. She had slept for almost a day after all the fucked-up shit she had told me. Bitch had had a kid. And worse, those asshole motherfuckers had taken her away and now she was fuck knows where. No wonder the bitch turned to drink.

My mind drifted to Zane, my kid nephew, and I fought back the fucking shame that filled me too. Phebe had lost a kid, and I had lost . . . everything . . .

“He never came back, Xavier. The man who returned was not my husband. He was not your brother.”

“What happened?” “He came home, but he would sit at our door every night with a rifle in his hand. He said he knew they would be coming back for him. He said he was gonna kill them before they got to us.” “Fuck,”

“It got too much. I had to take Zane to my sister’s. I had no choice. Dev was making our boy too scared to come home, so I sent him to Claire. I tried, X. I tried to help him, but it became too much.”

“So they locked him up?” I asked through clenched teeth. “Claire and Tom had him evaluated. He was put in a hospi...

I glanced down at Phebe’s red hair and took in her words. You are not to blame either . . .

I didn’t remember falling asleep, but that night I slept. For more than two fucking hours. And I didn’t dream at all.

“I think . . . I think we were meant to find each other, AK. I think we were meant to find each other, to leave hell together.”

“I think that no solution is quick, and no remedy will magically make our pain drift away. I believe that we must go through this pain we are feeling in order to move on. And I believe whatever God or greater power exists above us brought us together so we may heal together. Heal the other in a way that no other person ever could.”

“I wanna take you. Wanna take this pussy, this fucking bruised soul and this heart. You good with that?”

I pressed my forehead to Phebe’s and closed my eyes. I had no idea what we to call what we had just done, but it wasn’t just fucking. As if reading my mind, Phebe whispered, “Making love.”

“That was it, was it not? That was . . . making love?”

“I had heard talk of it before, but never believed i...

“It has never been like that before, not for me. This was different. I, with you, am different. I . . .” She thought for a moment. “I am at peace.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “Does that make sense? That you bring me peace?”

“Yeah,” I said and, as I watched her face, I realized she did the fucking same to me. “You give me peace too.” By her huge smile, you’d think I’d just told her I was the answer to all her prayers. Fuck, I was starting to wonder if she would become the answer to mine.

“What if this is simply the dark before the sun?”

“What if we are being held in midnight, AK? Both of us locked in the dark of our pasts. Together. And maybe we must endure the darkness for a while.”

“But then, one day will come the sunrise. The darkness will end, and the sunlight will pour in. Sunrise, AK. Just imagine.” She smiled and nearly broke my fucking heart. “We can chase the sunr...

So I made love to her again before we fell asleep. And not a single nightmare came calling.

“When we used to go out and recruit, when we fished the men, we always had one purpose. To seduce them. But I had a secret.”

loved to dance.” She shrugged. “The brothers that took us eventually let me do it, as they said it made the men want me more. But I did not do it for them. When the music played, I lost all my worries. I lost . . . myself . . .”

She took hold of the hem of her knee-length dress and swayed the material in her hands as she came toward me. And fuck, but she seduced me. Bitch was dancing for me, and I knew this was just her. No tricks, no training, this was her feeling the beat and doing what she fucking wanted. Hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.

The track ended, then came back to life. She laughed when she realized it was on repeat, completely giving herself over to what she loved. Not thinking about her kid, or Lilah’s face. About Meister or the fucked-up hell she’d come from.

“It is just something I wonder if we could have one day.” Maddie laid her head on my bicep. Her hand ran down the picture. I was there. She was too, and in her arms was a baby.

did not know if we could ever do it. But hearing you with Ash just now made me believe that, perhaps, one day, when we are stronger still, that we . . . could.”

“What if I cannot do it?” He looked at me curiously. “What if I am bad at this . . . at being a mother?” “Impossible.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “You were fucking made for this moment, Red. All the shit, it led you right to this moment.”

“Do we get to live the life you spoke of now? The one you told me existed if we only survived?” “Yes.” I squeezed her hand. “We get to live the way we always should have.”

“I . . . I get to be your daughter here?” A pause. “A real daughter?” “If you want that,”

“D-Do I get to call you . . . Mama?”

The last word was a whisper. But it was a grace. A blessing, pure and simple. A softly spoken pardon for all of my wrongs. A new start.

“Yes,” I said and took her gently in my arms. “Yes.” Then my heart bloomed whe...

“I will never let you down. This is my solemn vow.”

“You have saved us.”

“You did the impossible and gave me my daughter. You gave me a chance to be a mother.”

“And you gave me back the beat t...

“I love you, Xavier Deyes. I love you more than I knew was possible. You are my grace...

“You have given me this gift, this moment where my hell has ended. And now you need it too. Save yourself the way you try so hard to save everybody else.”

“I will be here with you. As will your family.” I pointed out of the window. “Viking, Flame and Asher. And Sapphira too. We will all be here for you.”

AK and Sapphira, forever by my side. I was home.

I pulled my bike to a stop at the address Tanner had given me. Fucking Austin. The house had been in Austin. Right beside me all along.

“Tom was transferred from Plano when Zane was twelve.” I stilled as she mentioned my nephew’s name. “We’d heard you had come to Austin too, and from the minute we arrived—before that, in fact—we’ve been searching for you.”

“Why?” I asked gruffly. Claire’s shoulders sagged. “Because he missed you, Xavier. He missed you so much.”

“It was a lot, you know? Losing Tina and Dev like he did . . . the way he did. His parents gone in such a violent way. But what I will never forgive myself for was him losing you too.”

“I was so hurt by what Dev had done to Tina. I was so angry, was so blinded by fury, that I believed I was doing best by sending you from his life.”

“I blamed you and thought you would hurt Zane too.”