Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating

by Marshall Segal

If God is out of the picture, sex can be as good a god as any.

God warns us that sexual immorality leads only to pain, shame, slavery, and ultimately judgment; why would we risk so much for a little pleasure now?

He set a boundary to show us that the waves are his, to tell us that he is sovereign, creative, and wise—and that he can be trusted.

Sex is reserved for the ocean deeps of marriage, not the safe wading depth of dating.

makes Christian dating sound like slavery.

There is sacrifice in this relationship, but it’s not worth comparing with our reward.

Will we let our imagination and emotions run far out ahead of where the relationship really is, or will we guard our heart?

Will we bind ourselves emotionally or spiritually to someone in a way we should only lean on a spouse? Emotions feel so natural and innocent. How could they be wrong?

Emotional boundaries are less objective, by nature, because they are the lines we draw in our own hearts.

In some ways, emotional and spiritual boundaries take even more effort and discipline because they aren’t as tangible and concrete as touching.

Good friends will be able to tell if the one you are dating has drawn you closer to Christ or away.

Until we are married, we should develop and maintain a healthy independence from our significant other and prepare ourselves for the possibility that God’s plans may be different from our own.

You’ll have to have certain conversations eventually, but don’t rush into them, and when you do have them, have them

If we’re serious about guarding our hearts and minds, developing healthy independence, and anchoring our hope and joy in Jesus more than in each other, we’ll be careful with how much time we’re focused on one another.

to bring up the boundaries when temptations come. Don’t wait for her to say no. Love her enough to never make her draw the line.

Tell him no, and if he resists, break up with him.

The scary reality is that we can find an answer somewhere online to justify what we want to do—right or wrong, safe or unsafe, wise or unwise.

When Paul told us to carry each other’s burdens, he was talking mainly about our hearts, about the things that happen inside of us, not outside.

To be accountable is to be truly, deeply, consistently known by someone who cares enough to keep us from making mistakes or indulging in sin.

The God who sends these people into our lives knows what we need far better than we ever will.

But lean on some people who are older and more mature than you. Let a few people you wouldn’t hang out with on the weekends into your thinking and decision making in dating.

be known by a few people, seek out people different from you, and draw them into your dating life.

“Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed”

We should be suspicious enough of our sinful hearts to get a second opinion.

Even after God rescues us from our sin, pulls us out of the pit, and puts his Spirit inside us, we still battle remaining sin in our hearts, and we’re outmatched on our own. We need friends in the fight to help us find where we are wrong or weak.

The gospel is big enough to cover all our sin, no matter how far we have run from God, and to redeem us from any of our mistakes or failures in dating.

God often withholds, or

even takes away, something from us in order to give us something far greater.

But doing what’s best for us often requires causing us some pain or discomfort first, like drilling a cavity or resetting a bone.

Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar because of all you’ve spent and lost.

Maybe you were convinced it needed to end but knew how hard it would be to tell her.

Maybe you love his family and friends.

Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s intention.

But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our future spouse is not date.

and he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, and regret to make you more of what he created you to be, and to give you more of what he created you to enjoy—himself.

One of Satan’s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or girl, “It was all the other person’s fault.” The reality is no one—married or not—is without sin or fault in a relationship.

Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations.

You could start by praying for your exes, even when you can’t handle talking to them.

Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of the world.

When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of what his mind creates will be lies from the Devil.

Give him enough information about how God led you to this decision without crushing him or tearing him down.

In the end, he doesn’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to help him toward the clarity and closure you’re feeling.

It just may free him to grow and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.

This probably won’t taste sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all bad news.

God will always give us better gifts than we would give ourselves. He knows more than we do, and he loves us even more than we love ourselves.

No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you—even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses—will.

And if we date without some specific desires and goals for our marriage, we’ll probably settle for something less and wake up one day wondering why our marriage isn’t what we thought it would be.

Pray and ask him to show you new and deeper dimensions of all he means marriage to be for you and your (future) spouse.

and Jesus stands at the end of the aisle waiting to undo all we’ve done wrong and to welcome us into a love and relationship beyond our most romantic imaginations.