Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating

by Marshall Segal

2 Single,

Conversion is about commission, not just salvation, because we’re not saved to be saved, but saved to be sent.

The problem with so many of us today is that we have close to no anxiety about spiritual realities and endless anxiety about the things of this world.

The painful moments in life—however those pains come—are the ones in which we’re most likely to question God and go our own way, trusting ourselves more than God and trying to take control of our lives, again.

God wrote a book to comfort us in all our pain and to help us overcome all of our inevitable ignorance and insensitivity in trying to care for others in pain.

The reality is that all of us can imagine something better for ourselves than our circumstances today. The greater reality is that if you love and follow Jesus, God always writes a better story for you than you would write for yourself. The “better” is based on this: God himself is the best, most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience, and, therefore, fullness of life is ultimately found not in any earthly success, relationship, or accomplishment but in your proximity to God through faith.

Independence is one vital aspect of Christian growth and maturity, but so is dependence—dependence on God and dependence on others around us.

Your first step in finding the community you need should be to join a local church. This is one of the most radically countercultural and spiritually beneficial things you can do in the not-yet-married life.

Christianity is not a tiny corner of your life; it is your life.

Following Christ was never meant to be done alone, even when you’re not yet married.

But as with every other good gift God gives, work also has the potential to distract us from what matters most, to remove God from the throne of our hearts, and to keep us on the sidelines of the most important work in the world.

Whatever work we do will be a temptation to trust in ourselves and not in God—to rejoice in and worship what we can see and take credit for instead of the God behind and beneath it all. Yes, Paul said it is better not to be married, but I don’t think he had career advancement in mind. We need a calling and a treasure bigger than ourselves and more glorious than any of our work. If we want to be truly happy in our jobs, we cannot base our happiness on our jobs or our abilities.

The gospel saves us so deeply and satisfies us so fully that we can let ourselves—our gifts, our career, even our lives—be poured out for the sake of others, especially for the sake of their faith and joy in God.

Perhaps the greatest loss in the not-yet-married life is growth in godliness, because so many of us procrastinate in pursuing it, waiting until we get married to get more serious. We don’t have the day-in, day-out accountability of a spouse and family yet—people close enough to see how we really live. And we foolishly think finding love will mysteriously unlock growth and maturity in our lives. It’s true that marriage often brings sanctification, but the testimony of most is that marriage is more diagnosis than prescription in our pursuit of godliness. Rather than unlocking the fruit of the Spirit, it will more often (graciously) uncover flaws.

The seed of every other fruit of the Spirit is a deep, enduring joy and satisfaction in Jesus. A lack of love communicates that we treasure ourselves more than Jesus and the people he purchased by his blood. Our anxiety tells God we’re not happily content to have him and his fatherly plan (and timing) for our lives. Impatience says the Jesus we already have is not enough for us. An inability to say no suggests we believe this food, that purchase, or this website will make us more happy than Jesus. But real joy in Jesus, through the gospel, will free us from all the rotting, poisonous fruit of sin and replace it with new and Spirit-filled attitudes and habits.

God will not abandon the greater good he has promised us (2 Cor. 12:7–10). But we will be tempted to abandon him, to give up on his plan for us. We really do convince ourselves that we know better, that we can choose better for ourselves than God can—the same God who came and died at infinite cost to save us.