Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating

by Marshall Segal

The problem is not that we are hungry but that we’re hunting in the wrong pantry. The cravings deep inside us are a mercy from God meant to lead us to God.

A lot of us want to keep God close enough to save us but far enough away to let us do what we want to do.

The problem with so many of us today is that we have close to no anxiety about spiritual realities and endless anxiety about the things of this world.

We have all the time in the world for the things that will not last and so very little time for the things that last forever.

The reality is that all of us can imagine something better for ourselves than our circumstances today. The greater reality is that if you love and follow Jesus, God always writes a better story for you than you would write for yourself. The “better” is based on this: God himself is the best, most satisfying thing you could ever have or experience, and, therefore, fullness of life is ultimately found not in any earthly success, relationship, or accomplishment but in your proximity to God through faith.

Make him your greatest treasure and ambition and see everything else that happens to you in the light of that infinite pleasure and security. Learn to love the life you have with God, even if it is the life you never wanted.

If you put two God-fearing, Jesus-following, but sinful people in such close proximity, with a covenant to keep them from running away, there will be tension, conflict, and hopefully change.

The promises you will make before God, and before all your friends and family, have almost nothing to do with what you experienced and enjoyed in your dating relationship, and everything to do with the uncertain and uncontrollable months and years ahead. You’re not standing there together to say, “I really do love you,” but to say instead, “I really will love you”—whatever it takes, however hard it gets, whatever happens, however much I want to leave. That kind of love will stand out in the world, and it will last long after many have given up and walked away.

Intimacy—romantic or otherwise—is a beautiful and precious gift God has given to his children. But like so many of God’s good gifts, because of our sin, intimacy is also very dangerous. The human heart is wired to want intimacy, but it is also wired to corrupt intimacy—to demand intimacy in the wrong ways or at the wrong time, and to expect the wrong things from intimacy. That means intimacy between sinners is dangerous, because we’re prone, by nature, to hurt one another—to do what feels good instead of caring for the other person; to promise too much too soon instead of being patient and slow to speak; to put our hope, identity, and worth in one another instead of in God. Intimacy makes us vulnerable, and sin makes us dangerous. The two together, without covenant promises, are a formula for disaster in dating.