The Man I Think I Know

by Mike Gayle

You never forget a face you have loved. Not even if you want to. Not even if you have the best excuse in the world.

Angry about Kyle Baylis and what he did to me. He took away everything I had, for no good reason. He took away my life and left me like this. I wished he was dead.

I need to help Danny. I need to help him right now. I remember the time that he saved my life. I remember I said that one day I would return the favour. Well, today is that day.

They were the painful, difficult things I had successfully avoided for years.

(I used the word ‘fat’ to describe Andrew too but I only used it in my head so that is okay.)

‘I left because even though you never said it out loud, I knew exactly what you were thinking. I left because even though you said the opposite, every time I looked in your eyes I saw it was a lie. The fact is you were right: I killed Helen. She is dead because of me.’

As if she’d never inhabited this room. As if she’d only ever existed in my head.

‘Oh, that’s a sad story,’ says Vicky’s mum. ‘How do you cope with feelings like that?’ ‘I have taught myself not to dream,’ I say. ‘Life is a lot easier that way.’

‘Because even though she was pretty, I did not tell her I loved her until we had been together for a whole year,’ I say. ‘And the thing is, I have only been with you less than a week and I already feel like saying it all the time.’

You did not know what she was going to do. You thought you were doing the right thing. Just like I thought I was doing the right thing going out on the night of The Incident. Things happen all the time that we cannot control. Sometimes they are bad and sometimes they are good. It is just the way life is.’

Bad luck isn’t the preserve of an educated life, any more than good luck. Time and chance happen to us all.

More than anything, I wish I could be the kind of person who is not scared of life. I wish I did not feel like running away. I have only been home a few days but I already feel like I am shrinking. I am becoming like the person I used to be. The person I was before I met Danny. I hate that person. And I hate that person’s life.

Details are important when a day is special to you. But the difficult thing is that quite often you do not know a day is special until long after it is over.