Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds

by Adrienne Maree Brown

Here are a few signs that you may be in an abusive movement, work, family, friendship, or romantic dynamic: you make agreements or set boundaries and they get crossed or broken, and/or you can’t hold the agreements/boundaries yourself. you can’t communicate directly with the person/people about issues or concerns (culture of gossip usually grows here, in the family, office, group). when you raise the issue that agreements or boundaries are not being held, there is no accountability (the other person or people deny the transgression, say they forgot the agreements, say it is your fault, ridicule you, continue the transgression—and/or you can’t see your accountability in boundary crossing, and/or diminish the harm). there is a culture of blaming or dishonesty that breaks down trust over time. you don’t feel comfortable processing the issues of the dynamic with friends, coworkers, allies (you feel ashamed, or like it will upset the other person/people in the dynamic). arguments are really confusing and/or repetitive—you can’t tell what you are arguing about, the arguments have no boundaries or containers, you keep returning to issues you felt were resolved, or you keep losing track of your own values and center in the process. you feel dismissed, hidden, or disrespected, and/or like you can’t acknowledge reality, be transparent, or respectful. you feel like a core part of yourself is compromised or not welcome, and/or you want to change a core aspect of another person or grou...