The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

by Frank Ostaseski

Too often in caregiving and other helping careers, we find ourselves not so much looking to see what serves others, but to confirm our socially approved identity. We want to be somebody who helps. We say, for example, “I work with the dying,” with the emphasis on I. And so we invest in the role instead of the function. I call this “helper’s disease,” and in my view, it is a more rampant epidemic than cancer and Alzheimer’s put together. I am speaking about the way that we try to set ourselves apart from other people’s suffering. We do this with our pity, our fear, our professional warmth, and even our charitable acts. It alters the way we make decisions. Once there was a woman in our hospice who was just a few days from death. As she looked back on her life, she felt regret about many of her choices. As a result, she was quite sad—a little depressed, but not clinically. This seemed natural to me. A visiting nurse pulled me aside after meeting with the patient and suggested that we start her on an antidepressant medication. This particular medication takes four to six weeks before its mood-altering benefits take effect. “Why do you want to prescribe this medication?” I asked. The nurse responded, “Well, she’s so uncomfortable, and it’s hard to see her this uncomfortable.” I said, tongue in cheek, “Maybe you should take the medication.”