The Break

by Marian Keyes

As that song tells us, we never know what we’ve got till it’s gone.

My pain becomes her pain, and it cuts both ways.

as long as I’m working, it’s possible to pretend that my life hasn’t been entirely derailed.

It’s simply human nature – we mistakenly think there are only so many disasters to be allocated, and if it’s happening to someone else, we’ll be spared.

Is this what life is all about? To bring us face to face with our worst fears until they no longer scare us?

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, but why not defer the worry until it actually has?

He wasn’t a bad man, just innately contrary.

Also, I need to go somewhere private and try to breathe.

Suddenly a part of my life had exploded into glorious technicolour.

Yes: that was the conclusion that suited me best.

We all have our gifts and admittedly, yes, mine is fairly niche, but if there was a career in it, I’d be extremely highly regarded.

it might take most of your life but when you find it, buy at least three of them because they’ll stop making it as soon as they hear you like it.’

I knew that phrase, which had originated in addiction circles; it meant that a person didn’t go to bed one night perfectly healthy and wake up the following morning a full-blown addict. Instead it was something that happened in stealthy increments. A person took a single daring step away from the correct course, and only when that no longer felt aberrant did they take another. Once again, they waited for the shame and fear to settle, and when it did, they were emboldened to take one more step, all the while moving further and further off the righteous path.

‘I think I was simply addicted to relief.

this is real life and real life is messy.’

‘You think The One is going to appear and the giddy feeling that everyone gets at the start of a relationship will last for ever. Okay, you fancy them and do the sexing, at least in the early days. But we’re all just flawed human beings, lurching along together as best we can. Eventually The One will annoy you, the way your friends sometimes annoy you – they’ll disappoint you, or when they’re eating apple crumble and custard, the sound of their spoon banging against their teeth will fill you with rage. But you can’t bail …’ My voice meanders to nothing. Because, of course, Hugh bailed.

– What would your super-power be? Redistribution of wealth.

– What lesson has life taught you? We’re all faking it.

The key to getting people to do something they don’t want to do, is first to offer them options that are far, far worse.

It’s a bittersweet truth to hold on to. Everything passes in the end.

‘Don’t you get lonely?’ ‘Never.’ There is more than one way to live.

‘There’s a difference between co-dependence and healthy mutual interdependence.’

It’s a strange, sorrowful relief.

This is how love works: you meet someone, you fancy them and that propels you to get to know them. Everyone has a checklist in their soul about what they want from their special someone, and this person won’t tick all of the boxes, but they’ll tick enough for you to decide, okay, I’m prepared to work to make this happen. But you have to learn to overlook the things about the other person that annoy and disappoint you, and you have to try to change the things about yourself that they can’t stand.’

And that’s the thing, we can’t know. We can only make the best decision with the information we have at the time.

I’m not sure I’m worthy of being the receptacle for all their hopes.

The pain abates to a dull ache.

Unbearable as this is, I will survive. Time will heal me. But, second by second, I must live through this.

Never let anyone tell you you’re too old. If you want to do something, do it now because you might not get your chance again.’

But everything ebbs and flows – something I’ve learnt over the years. No emotion stays constant. Anything that increases eventually decreases. At some point, this niggly flame of shame will be snuffed out.

Separation, then divorce … It really is one of the hardest things any person will ever go through. Well, maybe not everyone. Other people fall out of love gradually and in perfect synchronicity, so by the time they realize it’s all over, both of their landings are super-soft and they’re able to be friends. Hugh and I, though, it’s different. We were so tightly bonded and our sundering has been shocking and brutal.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it, I’m already healing because every second that passes is bringing me closer to a new normality. One day I’ll be in the middle of something and I’ll suddenly see that I’m happy and everything will be okay.

My head is well aware of the facts, but no one has told my heart.

‘People who do crazy stuff in mid-life,’ I say, ‘and that’s nearly the entire human race, from what I can see, apparently they’re trying to defy death. But for both of us, I think we were mourning youthful promise that was never realized.’

‘You got it wrong.’ Well, maybe I had, but it’s nicer to blame someone else.

That’s how humans bear the unbearable: we expose ourselves to just as much pain as we can take in a day or an instant.

Even my incendiary rage has abated – at least for now. At the moment my overwhelming emotion is sorrow, and that will eventually pass too. The end of my marriage will never not be sad, but the grief won’t cripple me the way it does now.

I would get used to it. People eventually become inured to the most appalling circumstances.

I suppose everyone thinks they’re different.’

‘I’m shifting my position, reaching out to those who think the way I do. I’m finding my tribe.