Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now

by Gordon Livingston

Another way to view the conflicts that arise between parents and children is that they are skirmishes in a long-term power struggle based on the faulty assumption that the primary task of parenthood is to shape the behavior of children through incessant instruction enhanced by the application of rules and punishments. While this approach sometimes works, more often it produces oppositional children who grow into oppositional adults. Passive resistance is the last refuge of the powerless. Assembly line workers who cannot strike can slow down. Children, who are prevented by their small physical and psychological size from confronting their parents openly, can demonstrate their unhappiness by not doing what they are told. Poor schoolwork, failure to do assigned chores, extreme slowness, a tendency to ignore instructions—all are common examples of passive-aggressive behaviors that drive parents crazy. The most common parental response is to persist with lectures, instructions, and punishments in an effort to “get this kid to listen.”