Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

by Sheryl Sandberg

Poetry, philosophy, and physics all teach us that we don’t experience time in equal increments.

Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity—and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.

the seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events.

three P’s can stunt recovery:2 (1) personalization—the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.

“ring theory.”10 She suggests writing down the names of people in the center of the tragedy and drawing a circle around them. Then draw a bigger circle around that one and write the names of the people who are next most affected by the event. Keep drawing larger circles for people based on proximity to the crisis. As Silk writes with mediator Barry Goldman, “When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.”

Wherever you are in the circle, offer comfort in and seek comfort out. That means consoling the people who are closer to the tragedy than you are and reaching out for support from those who are farther removed.

“People will only love me when I have something to offer them” and “Relying on other people makes me weak and needy.” Psychologists call these “self-limiting beliefs,”

Self-confidence is critical to happiness and success.25 When we lack it, we dwell on our flaws. We fail to embrace new challenges and learn new skills. We hesitate to take even a small risk that can lead to a big opportunity.

loss of confidence is another symptom of pervasiveness: we are struggling in one area and suddenly we stop believing in our capabilities in other areas. Primary loss triggers secondary losses.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation,”

Viktor Frankl

“we are challenged to change ourselves.”

“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”

We can start by helping children develop four core beliefs: (1) they have some control over their lives; (2) they can learn from failure; (3) they matter as human beings; and (4) they have real strengths to rely on and share.

resilient children shared something: they felt a strong sense of control over their lives. They saw themselves as the masters of their own fate and viewed negative events not as threats but as challenges and even opportunities.

The second belief that shapes children’s resilience is that they can learn from failure.

A fixed mindset means viewing abilities as something we’re either born with or not:

When kids have a growth mindset, they see abilities as skills that can be learned and developed.

Whether children develop a fixed or growth mindset depends in part on the type of praise they receive from parents and teachers.

growth mindsets can be taught relatively quickly

and with remarkable effects.

When parents treat failure as an opportunity to learn rather than an embarrassment to be avoided, kids are more likely to take on challenges. When a kid struggles at math, instead of saying, “Maybe math isn’t one of your strengths,” Dweck recommends, “The feeling of math being hard is the feeling of your brain growing.”

The third belief that affects children’s resilience is mattering: knowing that other people notice you, care about you, and rely on you.

The fourth belief held by resilient kids is that they have strengths they can rely on and share with others.

beliefs can fuel action and become self-fulfilling. Believe you can learn from failure and you become less defensive and more open.34 Believe you matter and you spend more time helping others, which helps you matter even more.35 Believe you have strengths and you start seeing opportunities to use them. Believe you are a wizard who can cross the space-time continuum and you may have gone too far.

“Nostalgia” comes from the Greek words nostos and algos, which mean “return” and “pain.” Nostalgia is literally the suffering that we feel when we yearn for the past to come back to us, yet psychologists find that it is mostly a pleasant state.

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.”

Elon had asked for the top ten risks in advance of the launch, and the problem that caused the failure turned out to be number eleven. Pro tip: ask for top eleven risks.

the majority of regrets were about failures to act, not actions that failed.

“You regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do.”