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The fourth form of post-traumatic growth is finding greater meaning in life—a stronger sense of purpose rooted in a belief that one’s existence has significance.
In Viktor Frankl’s words, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.”20
fifth kind of post-traumatic growth—seeing new possibilities. Tedeschi and Calhoun found that after trauma, some people ended up choosing different directions for their lives that they never would have considered before.
Although it can be extremely difficult to grasp, the disappearance of one possible self can free us to imagine a new possible self. After tragedy, we sometimes miss these opportunities because we spend all of our emotional energy wishing for our old lives. As Helen Keller put it, “When one door of happiness closes,38 another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”40
I do believe I have been changed for the better.41 And because I knew you … I have been changed For good.
A life chasing pleasure without meaning is an aimless existence.3 Yet a meaningful life without joy is a depressing one.
We want others to be happy. Allowing ourselves to be happy—accepting that it is okay to push through the guilt and seek joy—is a triumph over permanence. Having fun is a form of self-compassion; just as we need to be kind to ourselves when we make mistakes, we also need to be kind to ourselves by enjoying life when we can. Tragedy breaks down your door and takes you prisoner. To escape takes effort and energy. Seeking joy after facing adversity is taking back what was stolen from you. As U2 lead singer Bono has said, “Joy is the ultimate act of defiance.”
Rather than waiting until we’re happy to enjoy the small things, we should go and do the small things that make us happy.
we give that attention to ordinary setbacks and daily hassles.11 A broken windshield wiper or a coffee stain has the power to drag us down. We zero in on potential threats
“Peace is joy at rest,16 and joy is peace on its feet.” Sharing positive events with another person also increases our own pleasant emotions over the next few days.17 In the words of Shannon Sedgwick Davis, a human rights advocate whose work requires her to deal with atrocities on a daily basis, “Joy is a discipline.”
Many of us remember being happiest in flow—the state of total absorption in a task.20 When you’re in a deep conversation with a friend and suddenly realize that two hours have flown by. When you take a road trip and the dashed line becomes a rhythm. When you’re engrossed in reading a Harry Potter book and forget Hogwarts isn’t real. Total Muggle mistake. But there’s a catch.
Flow might sound like a luxury, but after tragedy it can become essential.
No matter where I am, I can try to re-create home.
Whether you see joy as a discipline, an act of defiance, a luxury, or a necessity, it is something everyone deserves. Joy allows us to go on living and loving and being there for others.
“Like me, most of them have been abused, and that abuse makes you feel like you have no control over your own life. My goal is to show them that they have the power to step out of their shoes—step out of everything that holds them back. They can take little steps every day to make their lives better. I try to inspire them to put on the shoes they want to walk in and know that they still have choices to make.”
Psychologists call this “stereotype threat”:14 the fear of being reduced to a negative stereotype. That fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when anxiety disrupts our thinking and causes us to conform to the stereotype. This effect undermines people of many races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds,
In China, women who are single past the age of twenty-seven are stigmatized as sheng nu, or “leftover women.”31 They face severe pressure from their families to marry, stemming from the widespread belief that regardless of education and professional achievement, a woman is “absolutely nothing until she is married.”32 One thirty-six-year-old economics professor was rejected by fifteen men because she had an advanced degree; her father then forbade her younger sister from going to graduate school. More than 80,000 women have joined Lean In Circles in China,33 and they are working together to
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Psychologists have found that over time we usually regret the chances we missed,5 not the chances we took.
Accepting feedback is easier when you don’t take it personally. Being open to criticism means you get even more feedback, which makes you better. One way to lessen the sting of criticism is to evaluate how well you handle it.
won’t make your skin crawl by saying it’s a ‘blessing in disguise.’30 It’s not a blessing and there is no disguise. But there are things to be gained and things to be lost, and on certain days, I’m not sure that the gains are not as great as, or even greater than, the inevitable losses.”
