Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

by Sheryl Sandberg

In hospitals, where decisions have life and death consequences, health-care professionals hold morbidity and mortality conferences.6 The purpose of “M&Ms” is to review the cases of patients where something went seriously wrong and figure out how to prevent similar problems in the future.

When it’s safe to talk about mistakes,7 people are more likely to report errors and less likely to make them. Yet typical work cultures showcase successes and hide failures.

Sue Ashford, had taught him that gathering and acting on negative feedback is how you reach your potential. Sue’s studies show that although fishing for compliments hurts your reputation,11 asking for criticism signals that you care about improving.

We all have blind spots—weaknesses that other people see but we don’t. Sometimes we’re in denial. Other times we simply don’t know what we’re doing wrong.

I explained that it was all I could do just to get through each day without messing up too much. Chamath rejected that completely; he said that I could yell at him all I wanted but he would always be there to remind me that I still needed to set ambitious goals. He advised me, as only Chamath could, “to get back on the motherf***ing path.

He also inspired the only paragraph in this book that uses the f-word.

“The measure of who we are is how we react to something that doesn’t go our way,”14 he said. “There are always things you can do better. It’s a game of mistakes.

“Extreme compartmentalization may be my biggest superpower,” he said, laughing. If a project doesn’t turn out the way he wanted, Byron remembers that things could always be worse. “I say to myself and to others all the time, ‘Is anyone gonna die?’ That’s the worst—I’m not afraid of failure.” Byron showed me that

Marne reminded me that being alone can be an empowering choice. In a landmark fifteen-year study of changes in marital status among more than 24,000 people, getting married increased average happiness only a little bit;1 on a scale of 0 to 10, single people who were at a 6.7 in happiness might increase to a 6.8 after getting married.

Still, dating does not erase my grief. All of us in the club understand this. You can miss your spouse and be with someone else, especially if that person is secure enough to let you grieve and help you through it. I had breakfast with a friend three months after he lost

It was a relief to have someone to dance with again, but being at a family wedding without Dave was still hard. I put on my game face as the music started playing. A woman came over and said, “I heard you were dating! I am so glad you’re okay now!” Another woman shook hands with my date and then turned to me and exclaimed, “It’s so nice to see you’re over Dave’s death!” I know they meant well and wanted me to be happy, but no, I am not “over” Dave’s death. I never will be.

Playwright Robert Woodruff Anderson captured it perfectly: “Death ends a life,23 but it does not end a relationship.

Adam’s colleague Jane Dutton defines a resilient relationship as one that has the capacity to carry intense emotions and withstand strain.26

She often said there were three parties in any relationship: you, the other person, and the relationship itself. The relationship is a meaningful entity that needs to be protected and nurtured.

Anna Quindlen told me that we confuse resilience with closure. She lost her mother forty years ago. “Is it easier than it was then? Yes,” she said to me over coffee. “Do I still miss her so much it feels like a toothache? Yes. Do I still pick up the phone and try to call her? Yes.