Madonna in a Fur Coat

by Sabahattin Ali

And what a pity that is: a dash of curiosity is all it takes to stumble upon treasures we never expected.

When misfortune visits those who once walked alongside us, we do tend to feel relief, almost as if we believe we have ourselves been spared, and as we come to convince ourselves that they are suffering in our stead, we feel for these wretched creatures. We feel merciful.

Can there be any sweeter intoxication than exerting power and authority over one of your own kind?

What choice did a man like this have, in the face of small-minded attacks, but to stand firm like a rock? Our longings, our disappointments, our fits of rage — we succumb to them when something unexpected happens to us, something that seems to make no sense. Is it even possible to shock a man who is ready for anything and who knows exactly what to expect from anyone?

Only now did I begin to understand why it was not always through words that people sought each other out and came to understand each other, and why some poets went to such lengths to seek out companions who could, like them, contemplate the beauties of nature in silence.

For even the most wretched and simpleminded man could be a surprise, even a fool could have a soul whose torments were a constant source of amazement. Why are we so slow to see this, and why do we assume that it is the easiest thing in the world to know and judge another? Why, when we are reluctant even to describe a wedge of cheese we are seeing for the first time, do we draw our final conclusions from our first encounters with people, and happily dismiss them?

I had yet to learn that nothing in this world can ever match the marvels that we conjure up in our own minds.

When I saw how she was incapable of voicing her feelings, and how fear and envy contrived to suppress everything about her that was deep and strong and beautiful — I saw myself.

Nothing grieves me more than seeing someone who has given up on the world being forced to smile.

“Do you know why I hate you? You and every other man in the world? Because you ask so much of us, as if it were your natural right…Mark my words, for it can happen without a single word being uttered…It’s how men look at us and smile at us. It’s how they raise their hands. To put it simply, it’s how they treat us…You’d have to be blind not to see how much confidence they have, and how stupidly they achieve it. And if you need a measure of their arrogant pride, all you need is to see how shocked they are when an advance is rejected. They are the hunters, you see, and we their miserable prey. And our duties? To bow down and obey, and give them whatever they want…But we shouldn’t. We shouldn’t give away a single bit of ourselves. It’s revolting, this arrogant male pride…Do you understand what I’m saying? Yes, well, that’s why I think that maybe we can be friends. Because I can’t see a trace of that awful male pride in you…But I don’t know…even when he has a lamb between his teeth, a wolf can hide his savagery behind a smile…”

All my life, I’d been waiting for her. Searching for her. Scanning my surroundings for some sign of her.

But most come into this world and leave it without even knowing what they had missed.

I had so much to say to her…enough to fill a lifetime.

I live more in my head than anywhere else.

But isn’t this how souls come together, by holding another’s every idea to be true and making it their own?

How I loved her! I had opened my heart to the world I saw in her.

“If a person truly has the ability to love, then he can never monopolize his beloved. And neither can his beloved monopolize him. The more he spreads his love, the more he adores his one and only true love. When love spreads, it does not diminish.”

“For me, love is something else entirely. It’s beyond all logic and impossible to describe or define. It’s one thing to like someone. To be consumed, body and soul, by desire is quite another. That’s what love is to me — desire that’s all-consuming. Desire that’s impossible to resist!”

My soul was like a glassy, windless sea.

“Now I know what’s been missing. It’s not anything in you, it’s in me…I cannot believe…I simply could not believe that you loved me that much, and so I assumed I wasn’t in love with you…Now I understand. It seems that people have taken from me the ability to believe…but now I can…you’ve taught me how…I love you…not madly, but I love you with a clear mind…I want you…such an overwhelming desire…if only I can get better…When will I get better?”

Then one day it all came to an end…It was that simple, it ended so abruptly that I failed to grasp the enormity of what had happened…

The pain of losing something precious — whether earthly happiness or material wealth — can be forgotten over time. But our missed opportunities never leave us, and every time they come back to haunt us, we ache.

A single fleeting vision of the Madonna in a Fur Coat would have undone me.

Last night I came to understand that life held nothing more for me, now that she was dead: I had died with her, if not before.

I might have carried on living as before, oblivious of the truth. You were the one who taught me that another life was possible, and that I had a soul. And it is not your fault that it ended too soon…Thank you for giving me the chance to be truly alive.