What the Hell Did I Just Read (John Dies at the End, #3)

by David Wong

I took a sip, winced, and decided that the first person to ever drink coffee was probably trying to commit suicide.

“I think if you’re capable of enjoying an eternal paradise while millions of other people are screaming in agony, forever, you’re a sociopath.”

They didn’t have witch hunts because they believed in witches. They believed in witches so they could have witch hunts.”

“I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. I have seen a snail get eaten by a bird, survive its digestive tract, then get shit out two hundred miles away onto the roof of the World Trade Center, five minutes before the first plane hit. I have seen a man’s body obliterated by a train because he was trying to retrieve a dropped slip of paper that a woman had written her phone number on, not realizing the number was fake. I have seen an entire species-changing genetic line wiped out when a single Homo erectus got his dick stuck while humping a knothole. All these moments forgotten, like piss in a swimming pool. Time to die.”