Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need

by Meg Meeker

being a compassionate and caring father was a learned skill for him.

it’s part of your DNA; you just have to use it.

he was the hub in the center of our family wheel and when that was gone, what would happen to me?

My father, not my husband, was the one I always thought would make everything right.

I could always rely on dad—

I was drowning in hot water, he always came to the rescue. That’s what dads are to their kids, or what their kids want them to be—a hero they can always depend on.

none of these people was my father. No one held the place in my heart and in my life that he did. Yes, he was the toughest and hardest to live with, but he was also the one who loved the fiercest, as only a father can.

Fathers need to see themselves the way their children see them. You are, whether you know it or not, the center of their world, the hub of the wheel that is your family, the hero they depend on. If you’re not there or not engaged, they suffer.

Every child needs a father; and that includes grown children.

we have an epidemic of homes where dads have been marginalized, either through divorce or even more commonly in households where dad is kept on the periphery. He goes to work, he comes home, and he assumes his children want to spend their time alone or with their mother, so he retreats to his den or man cave and watches TV.

the human family was meant to have mothers and fathers working together, and when they work together, as they were designed to do, their children’s lives are enriched emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and, I can say as a pediatrician, even physically.

Children from intact families have a much better chance to be healthy and happy children.

moms are absolutely necessary, but so are dads, and to kids it is dads who are t...

when you as a father engage with your children, teach them, hug them, play with them, and support them, the message they receive is that they matter.

Daughters who grow up without their fathers are more likely to feel “unsafe” and seek comfort from other, older men, who often use them and then abandon them. Fatherless girls can grow up too fast. They often pursue serial boyfriends, seeking security and affirmation. Instead, they often suffer lasting scars of insecurity, abuse, depression, and disease. As a father, if you care about your daughter, you cannot leave her; you have a necessary role to protect her and show her what a man is supposed to be.

Fatherless sons are more likely to feel anxiety and are at greater risk for depression; if they’re the eldest in the family, they will often take on burdens that their father was meant to bear, and it can be too much for them. Giving sons too many burdens too soon, which can happen in fatherless families, means that they are children who miss out on childhood, and the many benefits that come from it. They too need protection; and they also need an ideal of manhood to aspire to. That comes from a hero dad.

What was going to happen to their family?

Seth told me that his father had saved their family. “He is without question, my hero. My father sacrificed everything for our family.

My dad knew it and he did everything he could to keep us calm. There was so much more going on that we never knew about and I guess, looking back, I’m glad he limited what we knew. He protected us. I just hope I can be a man like that one day.”

Children respect their mothers, but they see dad as the authority figure—and dads, that’s a heavy responsibility. Children will confide in their mothers, but they speak more carefully to their fathers, and the tone is usually more reserved.

they assume mom will never leave; a mother’s love is non-negotiable.

they feel they have to earn their father’s love. So they try harder to behave around dad. They don’t want to get on his bad side and risk losing him.

Children tend to behave better when dad’s at home—respecting his authority and wanting to keep in his good graces.

Kids need dads.

children from low-income families do better—behaviorally, academically, in every way—when dad’s around. The key factor is not how much money dad makes, or whether he drinks or has a temper, but how involved he is with his family.

they want the safety of a happy home where mom is there to help and dad is there to protect.

They don’t think of their parents as husband and wife, but as mom and dad. Mom and dad might be “happier” after a divorce (though that’s often not the case) but their children aren’t; they usually feel that the bottom has dropped from their worlds. They are confused, angry, and anxious. Many of them grieve as if one of their parents had died. In 99 percent of the cases that I have seen, there is no question that children are happier with two unhappy married parents than they are with a family divided by divorce. Children want to be—and rightfully are—focused on their own happiness, not that of their parents.

Babies need to bond with their fathers as much as with their mothers. Hold your infant as often as you can.

all dads have to learn, but that he had plenty of time, and eventually being a dad would come naturally.

They said that men aren’t the hub of steel, mothers are. That is inevitably true when fathers walk away; no one can doubt the strength of successful single mothers. But it’s not true when fathers are engaged. And if you’re reading this book, you almost certainly want to be engaged.

How do you do that? All you need to do is to try.

Be tough enough to bear the weight of family burdens.

But the truth is that you are needed. Stay calm and focused and be the man who always steps up for your family.

Be tough enough not to react to her criticisms of you and privately, gently ask her to not criticize you for doing your best—especially in front of the kids—

Reduce friction. Where there is discord, you need to bring peace. Men are great problem-solvers; apply your common sense to your family. When children look at their dad as a hero, they’re looking for a model of quiet strength, calm confidence, and self-control.

Act on your highest beliefs. The overwhelming majority of fathers I’ve met want to do the right thing—and in their hearts they know what that is.

Heroism can mean saving a man in combat or rescuing someone as a firefighter. But there are also less dramatic ways to be a hero, and one way is to be the best dad you can be. Every child wants his dad to be a hero, and every dad has it within him to be a hero to his children.

whether you are a first time father, a single dad, or a stepfather, being a great dad will come naturally—if you let it, if you’re open to it, if you try, and if you keep trying when things get hard or after you make a mistake.

For decades—at least since the 1970s—our popular culture has celebrated women and moms and told us that dads are clumsy oafs—uptight, largely unwanted, and mostly unnecessary. Feminists

After thirty years of working as a pediatrician, I can say without a doubt that the sexual revolution was a disaster for kids—with families far more fractured and fragile than they were before and with kids far more endangered physically, through an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases, and emotionally, because of a breakdown of the nurturing bonds kids need.

every child believes his father is a great man. That’s what your children want you to be; it’s what they expect you to be; and I can tell you as someone who has worked with thousands of fathers, you can be that man.

More than anything else, they want your approval. They’re learning from you all the time, from the moment they’re born—and for the rest of your life. They want to meet the standard you set for them, because you will always be their dad.

They study you every moment you’re around, your body language and your tone of voice. They hang on your words. They need to know what you think and feel about them. Your good moments count—and so do your bad ones. For dads this can be scary. But your influence for good is enormous.

Most of all he saw his father working, striving to help others—he saw his dad as a hero.

Every day that your children see you, they’re shaped by you. And equally important, they’re also shaped by your absence when you’re not there. So be very careful.

An absent father can leave a hollow feeling that can never be filled. You cannot change your past, but you can be the best, most engaged dad you can be. Your future belongs to the decisions you make now about the sort of man, the sort of father, you want to be and are going to be.

What happens is that when a father spends meaningful time with a child, the experience is magnified.

nothing is more important to children than acceptance and affirmation from their father.

Even if you’ve been called a “bad dad,” your children will still want your approval.

sons want a role model of what it means to be a man; daughters want their father’s affection because it builds their self-esteem.