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When we constantly hear that we should be smarter, better connected, more productive, wealthier—you name it—it takes real courage to claim the time and space to follow the currents of our talents, our aspirations, and our hearts, which may lead in a very different direction.
When we experience inner impoverishment, love for another too easily becomes hunger: for reassurance, for acclaim, for affirmation of our worth. Feeling incomplete inside ourselves, we search for others to complete us. But the equation doesn’t work that way: we can’t gain from others what we’re unable to give ourselves.
At one time in Kathy’s life, being a young “tough old broad” had been a brilliant adaptive mechanism, but it wasn’t a healthy way for her to see herself forever. That’s why we must repeatedly test the limits of our story, to prevent it from becoming solid, to create some give, some stretch, some room for revision. When our narrative is flexible, each and every moment offers a fresh opportunity to welcome all aspects of our being. Kathy came to appreciate that she had been tough when necessary—and she could be tough again if it was required—but that toughness was not the whole of her.
If we neglect our authentic selves, we risk being dominated by others, instead of being in loving relationships with them.
And in a study of students in a neurosurgery program, a sociologist found that those who ultimately failed claimed that they rarely made mistakes, while those who succeeded not only admitted their mistakes but also revealed what steps they would take to avoid repeating those mistakes in the future.
In fact, focusing on what we most care about, whether it’s our work, our relationships, or collecting butterflies, can be a genuine act of self-love, but only if we’re not fixated on the outcome of our efforts or on perfecting ourselves.
Even if we’re never found out, as the old adage warns, “It’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up that will get you.” The costs of keeping secrets include our growing isolation due to fear of detection and the ways we shut down inside to avoid feeling the effects of our behavior. We can never afford to be truly seen and known—even by ourselves.
It’s the drama of love that we’re hooked into in our culture, not the peacefulness of love.”
Though it may sound paradoxical, identifying our thoughts, emotions, and habitual patterns of behavior is the key to freedom and transformation. If we don’t acknowledge the places where we’re stuck, we inevitably twist ourselves into knots to bypass certain feelings and perceptions, and the love that would otherwise be available to us also becomes tied up in knots.
Feelings of apathy as they relate to our relationships often stem from insufficiently paying attention to those around us.
relationship. As Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, said in an interview with The Atlantic, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
One of the reasons that authentic communication can be so difficult with family is that our family members are often the people we are both closest to and also those from whom we feel the greatest need to separate and individuate.
