The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

We often hear that revenge is sweet, but research and life prove otherwise. Behavioral scientists have observed that instead of quenching hostility, delivering justice, or bringing closure, revenge can in fact keep the unpleasantness of an offense alive.

The exultation of self-righteousness is a shallow pleasure that traps us in an obsession with the past. In fact, when we don’t have the opportunity to exact a penalty, we move on to other things faster.

Ayala Pines, who studied romantic jealousy among those with open marriages, as well as polyamorous groups and swingers, concluded that “it is difficult to unlearn the jealous response, especially if you live in a society that encourages possessiveness and jealousy.”

“Bouts of anger and resentment always drop you down lower than the point at which they picked you up.”