The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too has the taboo against it.

many affairs are less about sex than about desire: the desire to feel desired, to feel special, to be seen and connected, to compel attention.

All these carry an erotic frisson that makes us feel alive, renewed, recharged.

But is sex ever really just sex? There may be no feelings attached to a random fuck, but there is plenty of meaning to the fact that it happened.

Phase 1 focuses primarily on the what: the crisis, the fallout, the hurt, and the duplicity. Phase 2 turns to the why: the meaning, the motives, the demons, the experience on its own terms.

one theme comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity.

When we select a partner, we commit to a story. Yet we remain forever curious: What other stories could we have been part of?

Call it intimacy, call it human connection—it’s what makes us feel that we matter.

Marital sufferings and family crises as a result of infidelity are so damaging that it behooves us to seek new strategies that fit the world in which we live.

Having feelings and desires for others is natural, and we have a choice whether to act on them or not.

“If sex is something you share with others, what is exceptional to the two of you?”

Every affair redefines a relationship, and every relationship will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.

Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not.