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And yet, the need to connect physically with the one who just abandoned us is surprisingly common.
definition I have found helpful is that envy relates to something you want but do not have, whereas jealousy relates to something you have but are afraid of losing. Therefore, envy is a tango between two people, yet the dance of jealousy requires three.
of her sovereign self calls to mind the voice of French author Annie Ernaux. In her novel L’occupation, she describes a state of being utterly consumed by the other woman. She compares jealousy to being an occupied territory—where one’s entire being is invaded by a person one may never have met. “I was, in both senses of the word, occupied . . . on one side there was the suffering; on the other, my thoughts, incapable of focusing on anything else than the fact and the analysis of this suffering.”14
the brain in love, tells us that romantic love literally is an addiction, lighting up the same areas of the brain as cocaine or nicotine. And when a lover has been rejected, the addiction remains—those same areas of the brain continue to light up when they look at images of their partner.
Like a ricochet effect across time, one breach in the present can trigger the resonance of all the breaches of the past.
perennial
In clinical parlance, this kind of homeopathic intervention is called prescribing the symptom. Since symptoms are involuntary, we can’t erase them, but if we prescribe them, we can take control.
Developmental psychologists tell us that jealousy appears early in a baby’s life, at around eighteen months, but long after joy, sadness, anger, or fear. Why so late? Like shame and guilt, it is a feeling that requires a level of cognitive development that can acknowledge a self and an other.
Hence, popular theory holds that women’s jealousy is primarily emotional, whereas men’s is sexual. Interestingly, the research shows the reverse among homosexuals: lesbian women tend to express more sexual jealousy than gay men, and gay men cop to more emotional jealousy than lesbians. Arguably, this reversal highlights that we feel most threatened where we feel least secure.
Many of those who identify as polyamorous claim that they’ve developed a new emotional response called compersion—a feeling of happiness at seeing one’s partner enjoy sexual contact with someone else. In their commitment to plural love, they actively work to overcome jealousy, seeing it as part and parcel of the possessive relationship paradigm they are trying to best.
That being said, however, I’ve met plenty of nonmonogamous couples who struggle with intense bouts of jealousy.
But in this process, one distinction must always be made: taking responsibility for creating conditions that may have contributed to the affair is very different from blaming oneself for the affair.
knew that there is agency in righteous indignation, but it took him a long year to access it.
All the things we never really wanted to do but did in the name of love are now stripped of the context that gave them meaning.
When infidelity robs us of the future we were working for, it invalidates our past sacrifices.
insurmountable
Revenge often looks petty, but I have come to respect the depth of hurt it conceals.
lavished,
Behavioral scientists have observed that instead of quenching hostility, delivering justice, or bringing closure, revenge can in fact keep the unpleasantness of an offense alive.
exultation
Their responses are understandable, but their battle plans are ultimately ineffective.
They believe that it is a learned response that can be unlearned.
is difficult to unlearn the jealous response, especially if you live in a society that encourages possessiveness
Anger is an analgesic that temporarily numbs the pain and an amphetamine that provides a surge of energy and confidence.
“Bouts of anger and resentment always drop you down lower than the point at which they picked you up.”2
First, he needs to know how to stay with his feelings when he has no other choice, and to get away from them when he can.
prefer to help people learn to metabolize it in a healthy manner.
Respect is not necessarily about telling all, but about considering what it will be like for the other to receive the knowledge. When exploring the pros and cons of revelation, don’t think just in either-or terms or in the abstract, but try to imagine yourself in the actual situation with the other person.
honesty and transparency should always be thought of in context and on a case-by-case basis.
have chosen to adopt what Spring calls an open-secrets policy.
Knowing that this wouldn’t change and not considering it a marital dealbreaker, she didn’t see the point of telling him.
was willing to proceed with therapy cognizant of her pretense. So I had to ask myself, How is this secret fundamentally different from others?
Sexual secrets come in many forms. Yet therapists tend to struggle more with lies about extramarital sex than with decades of lying about intramarital sex. We hold many confidences without experiencing an ethical conflict. Infidelity may not always take the gold medal in the hierarchy of essential disclosures.
This entitlement to know, and the assumption that knowing equals closeness, is a feature of modern love.
As a cultural hybrid, I practice in many languages. In the realm of communication, many of my American patients prefer explicit meanings, candor, and “plain speech” over opaqueness and allusion.
As psychiatrist Stephen Levine explains, privacy is a functional boundary that we agree on by social convention. There are matters that we know exist but choose not to discuss, like menstruation, masturbation, or fantasies. Secrets are matters we will deliberately mislead others about. The same erotic longings and temptations that are private in one couple are a secret in another.3 In some cultures, infidelity is commonly treated as a private matter (at least for men), but in our culture, it is usually a secret.
Clearly, the conviction that telling the truth is a mark of respect isn’t universal. In many cultures, respect is more likely expressed with gentle untruths that aim at preserving face and peace of mind.
Her framework is a collectivist one, where family loyalty mandates compromising around infidelity—and secrets. Of course, we could look at her
