The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

The Internet has made sex “accessible, affordable, and anonymous,”5 as the late researcher Al Cooper pointed out. All of these apply equally to infidelity, and I’d add another a-word: ambiguous. When it’s no longer an exchange of kisses but an exchange of dick pics; when the hour in a motel room has become a late-night Snapchat; when the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we supposed to know what constitutes an affair? As a result of this burgeoning field of furtive activities, we need to carefully rethink how we conceptualize infidelity in the digital age.

Once we have found “the one,” we believe there should be no need for, no desire for, and no attraction to any other. Hence, our rental agreements are much more elaborate than our relational agreements. For many couples, the extent of the discussion is about five words: “I catch you, you’re dead.”