The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

Did you suck his cock? Was she shaved? Did she let you do anal? Detective questions add further scarring and are often retraumatizing, inviting comparisons in which you are always the loser. Yes, you need to know if he protected himself or if you should get tested. You need to know if you should worry about your bank account. But maybe you don’t need to know if she was blond or brunette, if her breasts were real, if he had a bigger penis. The interrogations, the injunctions, and even the forensic evidence fail to assuage your fundamental fears. Moreover, they make reconciliation much more difficult, and if you choose to separate, they will be fodder for the legal proceedings. Another line of inquiry may be more conducive to rebuilding trust. Investigative questions recognize that the truth often lies beyond the facts. They include: Help me understand what the affair has meant for you. Were you looking for it, or did it just happen? Why now? What was it like when you would come home? What did you experience there that you don’t have with me? Did you feel entitled to your affair? Did you want me to find out? Would you have ended it if I hadn’t found out? Are you relieved it’s all in the open, or would you have preferred if it stayed