The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

hush-hush? Were you trying to leave me? Do you think that you should be forgiven? Would you respect me less if I were to forgive you? Did you hope I would leave so you wouldn’t have to feel responsible for breaking up the family? The investigative approach asks more enlightening questions that probe the meaning of the affair, and focuses on analysis rather than facts. Sometimes we ask one question while the real question hides behind it. “What kind of sex did you have with him?” is often a stand-in for “Don’t you like the sex we have?” What you want to know is legitimate, but how you go about asking it makes all the difference to your peace of mind. My colleague Steven Andreas suggests that to transform a detective into an investigative question, it is helpful to ask yourself: If I knew all the answers to all my questions, what would that do for me? This can bring you to a more useful line of inquiry that respects the intent of the original question but avoids the pitfalls of unnecessary information.