The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

repulsed. By the time baby number three came along, she filled the vacancy with a lover who delighted in the erotics of fertility. However it occurs, the over-familialization of an intimate partner spells disaster for sex. The person becomes divested of his or her erotic identity. The relationship may be very loving, affectionate, and tender, but it is devoid of desire. The love-lust split is one of the most challenging infidelity scenarios I confront. It’s easy to think that if these men didn’t have their side action, they would simply bring their libidos home. But I’ve seen many who extinguish their parallel flames only to find themselves shut down and unable to reignite the home fires. For some, the divide is so vast that it’s difficult to help them find a way out. More often, there’s a lurking trap. One of the roving husband’s flings turns more serious. He falls in love and thinks he’s found the holy grail: for the first time in a long while, he loves and desires the same woman. Convinced that he must have just been with the wrong person, he leaves his family and his marriage for his new sweetie, only to find himself back in the same