The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

the sexual reticence. Men with extreme versions of this split often end up affectionate but sexless with their partners, while avidly consuming hard-core porn or engaging in various forms of transactional sex. In these emotionless contexts, their desire can manifest freely without the fear of hurting a loved one. Some may associate the love-lust split with Freud’s madonna-whore complex, and they are certainly related. However, the way I conceptualize the divide is not only about how the woman is perceived but also about a split in the man’s identity. The part that loves, that feels intensely attached and responsible, is the good boy. The part that lusts becomes the bad boy—ruthless, subversive, irresponsible. I could sum it up as follows: They can say “fuck me” sexually only when they have said “fuck you” emotionally. Callous as that may sound, every man who has lived with this relational framework recognizes it on the spot. When I talk with the partners of these men, I often find myself unpacking the appeal of the girl on the stage, on the street corner, or on the screen. The obvious explanation is that he’s after her physical assets. But is this really the primary draw? What they highlight in