The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

Madison does not talk about “When you did this to me.” Rather, they both talk about “When we had our crisis,” recounting a shared experience. Now they are joint scriptwriters, sharing credit for what they produce. What started outside the relationship is now housed within. For Madison and Dennis, the affair has become a landmark integrated into the broader geography of their lives together. Above all, they know there are no clear-cut answers, so they’re able to discuss the betrayal with a fundamental acceptance of their human flaws. Madison and Dennis’s relationship feels much richer and more interesting, but it also can feel less secure. They have added novelty to the enduring, mystery to the familiar, and risk to the predictable. “I’m not sure at all where this is going to take us, but dull it certainly is not,” Dennis says. If before they were facing dead ends, now they don’t know where they’ll end up. But that very fact is more exciting than frightening, and they are in it together. To repair is to re-pair.