That was how I started to see things. Or maybe this was the product of the schema that I’d long been using—unconsciously—to block out the outside world. That way of seeing had gotten me far in this world. But now everything I’d achieved in my first twenty-one years of life—connections I’d forged, status I’d earned, talent I’d nurtured, possessions I’d acquired, and traits I’d developed—were at the mercy of a death wish that negated it all. I’d always been surrounded by people who cared for me, but no matter how much they loved me, they couldn’t save me: It just wasn’t me. I never let others
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