Notes of a Crocodile

by Qiu Miaojin

During those six short months when there were feelings between us, I became a monster. That monster caressed you, its paws held you, and its maw pressed against you in a kiss. With its monster desires, it lusted after your body. It took in the adoration and admiration in your eyes, which reflected nothing of the monster’s shadow. The experience, every bit of it, brutally scathed me. I’m unworthy of loving you. I’ve struggled to find self-worth, but I can’t expel the monster’s consciousness still lurking beneath my skin. If my self-worth was already wounded, my experience with you only put salt in that wound. You opened a realm that exposed me. The deeper and harder I fell for you, the more grotesque I felt. The shackles that had been holding me down were removed. But in my mind, the monster’s face had taken over. Every night since the birth of this monster, I lay in horror, unable to sleep. I groaned in agony, a patient trapped in a slowly dying body.